Thursday, 31 December 2009

Happy new year

Happy new year may 2010 bring you everything you want and more.

Off to look at a younster tomorrow, and unbroken 3 year old! Hmm something nice to play with.

Here's to a better one!!!! cheers


Sunday, 27 December 2009

a very merry xmas and a question

I hope everybody had a super Christmas and enjoyed it all and got everything you could have wished for.

I myself had a super Christmas I spent Xmas day with my family and boxing day with mike as he was unfortunately on duty on Xmas day but it did mean i greedily got 2 Xmas days!!! Had a fantastic day with the family my nan has come down and really finishes off the Xmas spirit as she really is a super person to have around always so down to earth but yet loves to see you living your dreams but is always there to talk to about anything. I have been very lucky this year and have had some super gifts so thank you to everyone clients, friends and family it is so much appreciated and I hope you all liked yours. Little dash was hilarious opening his own presents and is currently munching on a bone my sister bought him that is bigger than he is funny sight. I now have lots of nice new clothes that actually fit me rather than being too big and some super warm mega long thermal socks-cheers Santa!!!! wore a pair today and can honestly say my feet stayed lovely and toastie warm all day. We had a very nice day. I went down the yard and did the horses then back home for some breakfast opening of the stockings then bath and change. We opened a few present then went down to mum's pub for an hour then came back opened a few more presents. We then had a super Xmas dinner cooked superbly by mum and nan. Then with some very full stomachs we finished opening presents. for me Xmas is a family affair with even my other sister joining us and I cannot imagine what it must be like for those that are separated from their loved ones at Xmas i really do feel for you my dear. We then spent the rest of the day just relaxing watching some very easy to watch TV and having a few drinks. All in all a super day with lots of fun and family giggles and love. Mike then picked me up very late on the way back from work in a slightly merry state.

Boxing day I woke to a super coffee in bed that was followed by breakfast in bed with a difference. Mike had bought me the most unbelievable Xmas present and just proves how romantic my super super man is. I had a full breakfast plus a very romantic gesture. Mike gave me my breakfast knelt on one knee opened a little box and popped that question that every woman wants to hear from her loved one. The most super ring wishbone with 3 sapphires and 2 diamonds in it!!! Made me feel so so special I have however not given him an answer yet I love him unbelievably and would move the earth for him and he is the most amazing person who has stuck by me when many people would have run but yet something has stopped me from uttering that word that he would so have loved. However I have not said no and am seriously considering it if I could just put my finger on what it is that is stopping me saying that word and what is giving me these doubts. Wish they would go away. Love him unconditionally. xxxx


Thursday, 24 December 2009

happy christmas

Here's wishing everyone a very happy christmas may all your dreams and wishes come true.

A massive thank you to everyone for all your continued help and support and sometimes for just being there. Thank you for being there through it all the good and the bad here's to the glass not being half full but filling up completely!

hope you have a fantastic day.


Wednesday, 23 December 2009

poor sumrph

I have to say I am loving everyones Christmas spirit this year, how everyone is pulling together and helping each other out through all this bad weather we are having.

Smurph is hopping lame again whether he has slipped or what I do not know but he is most definately lame on the left fore again. Slightly worrying there is no heat, swelling or excessive pulse which may seem like a good thing but he had none of that when he did his palma carpal ligaments before which does make me worry. I was kind of hoping it was ous in the foot but with no heat or pulse it seems very unlikely. I was unable to get hold of my vet today and the vet that was at the yard this afternoon had a quick look without getting him out of the stable said he didn't know but to do what I had originally thought which is to keep him on strict box rest, ice on the knee in case, bandages and bute for a few days and then have another look and assess and hopefully will be able to get in contact with him and luckly he is the vet on call over xmas. Fingers crossed it is something very simple but my gut is not saying so-sometimes gut feelings can be wrong-right?????

There is nothing more worrying than when you see your beloved horse who you adore and have spent so much time with trying to get him sound for so long get him fit and happy walking across to you obviously in so much pain. He is most definately lame and very lame at that even in walk-not great really. he is feeling very sorry for himself not even trying to bite when having rugs put on. the worrying thing for me is that the knee looks a little unstable i.e. the locking mechanism is not working properly but we shall see for now i shall do my best to keep him comfortable and happy.

I on the other hand am still feeling better than I have been if not a little tired but then that will have to be expected for a while.

had great fun tonight trying to wrap Xmas presents whilst being helped by the little puppy-hmm interesting experience indeed!!!!!


Monday, 21 December 2009

next year?!

So Christmas is so nearly here and it really is beginning to feel like it with all that snow outside. It really is a beautiful sight but do have to say am so very glad I was working in the pub today as I could admire it from the warm sat near the open fire that also makes it feel very much like the holiday season. It also allowed me to have snow ball fights with some of the customers that are also friends of mine and then go and warm up striaght away. It's something about this weather that brings out the kid in us all and how much fun it is to feel like a kid something we really don't appreciate whilst we are young and carefree. however did have to walk home as was not driving my little car home in this weather. Have to say actually quite enjoyed it there's certainly something very therapeutic walking home in the dark apart from its not quite dark because its snowing on your own with just your thoughts. So will walk back tomorrow to pick up the car and hopefully go and finish my xmas shopping otherwise there will be a severe lacking of presents under our tree!!!!!!

Feeling loads better today still tired but loads better in myself even managed to much out Smurph myself although not Tom felt one was enough for today. Tom is doing well got kicked in the field the other day and had to have staples but is having them out on wednesday fingers crossed but really like the way the wound is healing and he is still sound despite it. Smurph certainly enjoyed being out yesterday and today although only made it for one hour yesterday before turing himself inside out although today was a little better after giving me heart failure with a massive leap and a buck-something those spanish stallions all would be proud of!!!!!!! At least we know he is most definately feeling well and the leg is showing no signs of any issues what so ever so fingers crossed it will stay that way. Friend of mine that has been riding him says he feels super and so much stronger and more flexible so I think I'll take that as a compliment.

Have so much enjoyed watching olympia this week and although I usually go it has been quite nice to watch it in the warm without having to worry about getting back in this terrible weather. What exciting young horses britain have for the future who have all been brought on so well by their riders would be nice to think one day I may well have horses like this-we can all dream can't we?! Sometimes I wonder is going to work for someone fulll time might help a little but the truth is I like the struggle of a freelance instructor and love meeting all the different people well we shall see. Am going to look for some more rides for next year so if anyone has any ideas or even a very long shot or knows of horses that need riding please do not hesitate to contact me it would be so much appreciated mean while I shall continue to work as hard as I possibly can and learn as much as is humanly possible in the hope that one day someone may take a chance on me. After all we all deserve a lucky break don't we? Was once told told ' you make your own luck' and 'if you want something enough you'll make it happen'. These are what I try to live my life by by working as hard as I can everyday and do my best in everything. So lets try to make next year my year the year things really crack on for me-everything crossed.

Off to watch the rest of olympia.


Sunday, 20 December 2009

struggling but need to be strong

Ever been so tired that you can't even be bothered to get up off the chair??? Reckon its called fatigue-well if it is I don't like it much. Struggling today feeling rubbish well reckon i'll have to get used to it for a while but there is of course hope that I won't!!!!!

Song for this evening very much how I feel and what I reckon I've got to find:

will write more tomorrow


Thursday, 17 December 2009


so two days after and am extremely sore. I have gone from feeling like I've been hit by a train to like I've been hot by a bus back to being hit by a train! Have to say I'm beginning to get used to being in pain like this although would really rather not. Thank goodness for massive painkillers as if I'm in this amount of pain with them then would rather not think about being without them. Recieved a very kind thought from someone that if there was such a present then she would give me one that would take away the pain and all the scary stuff bless you my dear.

Hopefully this should be the end of it have to say that really would be rather nice. Back tomorrow to have the dressing changed-well in theory althought the snow might put a stop to that then start the drugs monday still should feel bit better by Christmas-phew. hopefully those side effects will not affect me there is always that hope. Going to be a long old road ahead but have to say really hope it is worth it in the end.

emotionally I am drained, physically I am drained but for me getting back to normality is the best way forward helps my brain to cope. Sleep always seems like such a super idea but when it is constantly disturbed if you move its not something you always look forward to but that is what I have spent the last few days mostly doing either at ours or at friends. A huge thank you must go out for all the unlimited suppport from friends without it I could not have coped at all wish there was someway to repay you all. xxx

Still at least now I am on the road to recovery and just have to keep positive thoughts after all the power of the mind is something quite extraordinary indeed good thing that mine does work. Little dash man as hyper as he normally is has been very chilled and ahasnt really left my side except obviously when I'm not at home. Mike really is my pillar of strength so thatnk you my darling you make this long old road very bearable and even allow me to laugh (ouch!!!) at it on occassions and your support and unconditional care will never be forgotten. I have lots to make up for. big hugs and kisses. xxxx

Still from the mental point of view at least we now know what we are dealing with and how to go about sorting it all out. For me the not knowing is worse than the knowing. At least when you know you can deal with it and look at it from a different view point almost like we can now have a plan and when you have a plan anything is possible, anything is managable.

Smurph is being kept up and together and apparently is behaving himself in the most part and not putting me to shame. May be going to have a look at a couple of youngsters monday and tuesday next week crazy I know but a friend of mine who is a very good rider is going to come and ride for me if i want to go that far.

Still this actually does help writing is very therapeautic sometimes finding the words is the most difficult part but once you start it becomes a lot easier. anyway still trying to find it very difficult to write about the emotional stuff which i do need to get out but maybe that for another time.


Monday, 14 December 2009


so here we go all set and ready for tomorrow....

Scared yes very, stressed yes very, tired yes very and so on and so on. Can't believe how many emotions the brain and body is capable of all at once. Am so in need of sleep yet still can't the body amazes me how it can run on reserve batteries for so long!

Been trying to put this week into words for a while but have struggled. I've written and then deleted it and then written and deleted so hopefully this one will actually make it.

On the plus side Smurph was excellent today bless him which I so needed. Since our lesson we have been doing a lot more lateral type work. couldnt really say its proper lateral work due to him not being overly strong obviously after such a long lay off but it really is doing wonders for his suppleness which is then improving his work which is enabling him to be more through his body and therefore should lead to him getting stronger. Had some super work today especially his trot which felt very light but with suspension but with him still through and into the contact well as much as he could possibly give me at this moment. so loooking forward to riding him when I can get back on him. A couple of friends are going to ride him for the next week or two but i will be there watching as much as possible not to criticise but just so I know how he is going. One of them is an absolutely superb rider and will improve him no doubt so I'm sure I will have a super horse when I get back on him-also helps that she is a fan of his which I take as a very big compliment.

Anyway actually still cant put into words how I feel other than I am so unbelievably scared and really can't wait for tomorrow to be over at least then I can make some decisions and either live with it or try to make what might possibly be one of the hardest decisions I will possibly ever have to make but if it does what it needs to well then the decision is made for me really.

on goes the rollarcoaster of life....


Thursday, 10 December 2009

a little scared

it's a very scary world in which we live in one that never really makes any sense at all. for example why is it when something goes wrong I try to push those people I care about away. Is it because I dont want to hurt them or for them to get hurt or is it because I really can sometimes be a not very nice person to be around- I really hope it's the first.

Struggling would be the word for the last few days. I always like to see the glass as half full not half empty but right now I can only see it as half empty or sometimes just empty. Still have lesson on Smurph to look forward to tomorow. Funny isn't it how just a few little words can make your world turn upside down and everything not seem so rosey. How a few little words can make you more scared than you have ever been before and more scared than you ever wanted to feel or wanted to feel again!!! It's going to be a hard time ahead with so many emotions to deal with oh and no I'm not pregnant now that really would be scary. thing is I'm not sure that I can cope with it all again I'd like to say Ill find that inner strength but if I'mhonest I think that's all run out but maybe there's some hiding somewhere deep down some that I can grab and contiue on and try to pretend that everything is ok take a deep breath and face the world continuing as normal. I really want to do this more than anything but ever been so down you just can't seem to find a way to the surface? It's not a great place to be. I am so lucky to have Mike who is there for me no matter and always greets me with a hug and a smile and says ' dont worry it will all be ok'. thing is how does he know it will be how does he know that it's not all going to go wrong but he does make me feel better and maybe I can fight this feeling and keep going one day at a time. Silver lining to every cloud least I will get a few easy weeks!!!!! Still this is his song for me and have to say mine to him. I feel he is trying to be ever so brave for me but kinda just wish he'd sit and cry with me as you know he wants to. We all put on a face at some point some more than others but occasionally you do need to show your true colours but scared doesn't even come close.


Monday, 7 December 2009

definately a bonus

not really sure where to start tonight have to say but am hoping that by starting to write it might all become clear and can hopefully get it down mainly for the very selfish reason that i need to try to work it out in my head.

so smurph was super today we did a little bit of long reining in the rain and have to say am really pleased with the way he is looking and beginning to carry himself naturally and is certainly getting stronger especially in the hind leg which is pleasing as this is where he is naturally weak due to conformation being a little straigh through the hock. He is also getting fitter which is becomming very clear so am going to up his work load slightly and see how he copes. the vet is back out on thursday for what i hope will be to sign him off and just to come back and see him once he is in full work. Looking forward to thurssday as am having my first lesson on him since april will be good to see what adam thinks.

So onto the rest of the day. Had an appointment this morning which has lead unfortunately to some not so great news and a great deal of stress for me. really thought it was all sorted but obviously it was not to be and the annoying thing for me being a control freak is that i cannot control it in anyway what so ever. It is a super stressful time and there is nothing i can do but keep everything crossed and try not to get myself to down about it all after all everday is a bonus!

cant write much more tonight so will try again in the morning


Sunday, 6 December 2009

everyday is a bonus

Have had the most manic fews weeks I could possibly imagine! So much so that I actually had to turn down work to give myself any sort of time of that I was so much in need of. However busy is good and so may it continue.

Smurph is doing so well and is now cantering and can honestly say that he is enjoying it very much and have now had a few sit tight moments but it is actually fairly nice as it seems as if it is just because he is enjoying being back in work. The physio saw him last friday and was very pleased with him and although he had a few little bits of stiffness which is to be expected he was in pretty good shape so fingers crossed long may it continue.

have to say am not all that impressed with this current bit of weather we are having definately on my christmas wish list this year is an indoor school that follows me around so i never have to get as soaking wet as i have in the last couple of weeks!!!!!!!!! I am however impressed with the amount of clients that are still turning up and wanting lessons- some people are really commited and are even booking lessons at a crazy 7:30am!!!!!

Have come to the conclusion you need to live everyday like it is your last as you never know what might happen and that nothing is a given after all we are all living on borrowed time and everyday is a bonus! few things on my mind but sure its nothing to worry about.
my tunes for the evening.


Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Had a nice kind of day off yesterday. Had a lie in till 8.30 which makes a super nice change to the alarm going off at 630! Went off to see a friend quickly for a little for a bit of a catch up and to chat about the yard that I may move Smurph to and think he will be very happy there and the big selling point is a) it is a much smaller yard b)has a walker c) he can have all year individual turn out! dash had a run around with little Weasel who is actually smaller than Dash-shocking!

We then went down to Rycroft so he could have a run a round and a play with buster who is his best mate and who play together for ages. Funny sort of combination to play together a little jack russel and a staff x lab!!! But somehow they get on so well and buster seems to be fully aware of how little dash is and is a bit careful even when they are playing rough!

then off to work for a couple of hours then back to ride Smurph who is going better and better each day and is getting stronger and fitter and is beginning to slowly get a little of his old spark back so sit tight!

Went to a biomechanics lecture at the yard last night with a friend who stayed over. It was very interesting although there wasn't a huge amount of biomechanics in it but some very useful ideas none the less. Sometimes things that you know said in a differrent way makes everything a lot clearer. There were a couple of things that were said that were light bulb moments and when I get my notes in order I will post some of it up here. Have to say though I am very much looking forward to the next one.

My friend rode Smurph this morning and he was a good boy but was interesting to see him from the floor and he is always decieving when you ride him to how he looks from the floor but in general I am very happy with the way he is progressing.

A couple of hours at home then off to teach for the afternoon.
relax time

Sunday, 22 November 2009

manic week

I have had the most manic week I think I have possibly ever had and the result is a very happy but very tired me but then tiredness is only a state of mind. Have mostly been leaving the house between 630-7 and getting in around 730-8 so very busy indeed however busy is good and certainly no complaining here but am most definately looking forward to my kind of day off tomorrow.

The weather has not been that great this week so I am very impressed that in most part clients have shown up and only a couple have cancelled. It's nice to see that the weather is not getting the better of people and boy have we had some rubbish weather this week and has certainly made riding some of the horses entertaining and of course teaching with some of them has been a little challenging but it certainly shows me what super horses we have.

Smurph has mostly behaved himself this week with the exception of one moment but is doing really well and is up the a fiar amount of trotting now and all the signs are good and very promising-maybe we will be out competing next year fairly early on after all obviously starting with some dresage. he is now consistently working in a long and low frame making sure he really is coming over the back from the hindleg and seems to be building up muscle in all the correct places. He somehow managed to frop a fair amount of weight recently so is really enjoying his lovely big haynet and munching his way through a huge amount of hay and is now looking loads better almost too much better now so can now start to reduce his hay intake a little. hope to start cantering in a couple of weeks as long as everything goes ok. The physio is out on friday which is super timing as has now been in work 5 weeks and will be 6 by the time james sees him on friday so fingers crossed he will also be pleased with him.

Have done a fair amount of riding this week as have been trying to catch up after being on crutches so I'm sure the ankle will be glad of the rest tomorrow with the exception on Smurph I have the day off and working in the puba couple of hours at lunchtime. Am going to see a friend in the morning who has just rung me to say there is a space available at her yard which to be honest as much as I love it where Smurph is I think this may be better for him as there is only 7horses on the yard and he can permenantly have individual turn out which is much better forhim. There is also a walker which for me is a greart thing to have as he can go on it whilst I'm muking out and then be ridden for a shorter time for those days when I am completely manic and beside all that it is cheaper which in this day and age is obvioulsy a big consideration. Tom on the other hand will be staying where he is and i will continue to help look after him and work him as he is also beginning to come back into work. No 100% descisions made yet though and will have a couple of days to have a good old think about it and let the appropriate people know but am going down to speak to the owner in the morning which I'm sure will help to help me with my decision.

Right very important x factor result about to be decided and then of course I'ma celebrity and the sleep.


Sunday, 15 November 2009

chilled to the bone.

A fav pic of mine from last year of Steven who I hope will be very happy at his new home!
so a super cold few days! That horrible kin of cold that chills you to the bone so far that only a super hot bath and hiding under the duvet is going to get rid of. Yesterday's weather was unbelievable and probably would look quite amazing if you were able to sit inside with the heating on watching from the comfort of the house. However for me it was not a good day to be at the office so to speak although I was very lucky to have some super clients all of which, amazingly, turned up to their lessons and apart from a couple of children, who were so unbelivably cold due to parents not wrapping them up, noone complained. had great fun despite the weather really do enjoy teaching at this place. It's not a riding school but a livery yard where all the people are either eventers or SJ or training to be able to compete an is so refreshing to be teaching those type of people all morning. it really is super to see those clients who have lessons and then come back and say this is how I did at the weekend or lastweek we had 2 down this week we had a double clear. This is the type of teaching that I really enjoy. I mean I do enjoy the riding school teaching but I think you need a bit of both to help to keep you fresh.

Today I was over at HP and have had a super day despite the cold. I do really enjoy teaching here I mean we all have days where we just want to bury ourselves under the duvet and sleep to catch up on sleep from all those long days which are part of the job that I love so much. Everyone was really in the mood for some super lessons today and I felt that I achieved a lot with each an every client today which is always a nice feeling for an instructor to have. The best part of the days was to watch one of my group lessons jumping a small course. We have been doing lots of work on rythmn, balance and lines recently and was so nice to watch it all come together and to see how much their ridin has improved so well done girls am proud of all of you. At the moment there is a lady shadowing some of the instructors at HP as she wants to improve her teaching to take back to frnace with her when she goes back in 2 weeks. She's english but has decided to go and teach in france so fair play to her. It was interesting to see how she became more cinfident each and every lesson in which she helped and taught a little. Due to how the lessons turned out today she spent most of the day with me and hopefully she both enjoyed it and learned lots.

Right have loads to do tonight lots of searching for yards and people to catch up with and lots of emails to reply to and sort whilst trying to play with dash and of course catch up with some good tv. Certainly know its coming towards Xmas as all the reality shows are airing so off to continue watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here!!!!

Get on Murphy tomorrow as long ankle all ok has been over 2 weeks since I last sat on him and despite other people being very kind and riding him I just can't wait to get back on him myself.


Thursday, 12 November 2009

First things first a very big congratulations to The Reading Uni riding team on a super first place gained at Brunel yesterday so well done everyone.

I am going to spend the evening searching the internet for yards for rent/sale in the hope that we may well find something sooner rather than later. Spoke to a friedn this evening who seems to think she may well know of some so is going to do some research for me and speak to a few people and then let me know so fingers crossed something may come of that but mean while I will keep searching and bug all my contacts as much as they will let me.

Smurph went out for a hack today with a friend of mine from the yard today who is a super rider which no doubt has done him the power of good and she has very kindly agreed to ride him again tomorrow. She said that he feeld completely fine if not a bit on the lazy side but for the moment its probably no bad thing untill he is a little stronger and can cope with any moments that he is going to have. He is is now beginning to look a little stronger and more capable which is super news and is coping with the slight increase in workload that we are now doing with him. i can't wait to get back on him so fingers crossed for saturday and failing that monday. Am going to try to get back on him on saturday but we shall see think I'll go fo a little hack with a friend and will try to ride something at the riding school tomorrow.

Am struggling at the moment with always being tired and nothing seems to be helping so am going to try some b-vitamins and poss iron and if that does'nt help will try to get to the doctors to have a blood test me thinks.


Tuesday, 10 November 2009


Had a super birthday yesterday in general had a bad start to the day but other than that had great fun.

A super little scurry pony that I had spent so much time with over the years was put down yesterday. He has been a fantastic part of a super team over so many years but now at the age of 24 it was time for him to go to a better place. he will be sorely missed by everyone but have to say if I do next season it certainly won't be the same without him. Went down to see him early in the morning armed with mints, carrots and camera. he was totally spoilt but hey why not? Have so many pictures of him but somehow it just didn't seem enough. A few tears, mints, carrots and lots and lots of cuddle later I said my goodbyes and headed off to see Smurph.

Smurph is doing well and was super cuddly yesterday when i first arrived. It never ceases to amaze me that the horse has such a super sixth sense.

Had lunch with my sister and it was so nice to catch up we don't see each other as much as either of us would like for various reasons so it was nice to just sit and chat for a while. We have decided that it should be done at least once a month. I had a super meal in the evening with lots of friends all from different places and they all seemed to mix really well which is always a relief. Had a fantastic time even if i did drink well a fair amount shall we say that led to me running round the house minus my crutches so was in a substantial amount of pain when I woke this morning both my ankle and certainly my head. had some really nice presents and cards and wishes which made for a super super evening which I enjoyed ever so much so thank you everyone. Have to say I'm not doing it justice as am so tired so will stop now and try to write a little better tomorrow.

On a fantastic note which made yeterday so so so special and certainly one to remember it looks like my dream of having ayard and therefore a base may well actually some true so much sooner than I ever thought it would. Someone I know and think the world of is looking to have somewhere where the horses can be at home or to rent for her horses has given me permission to look around for something that would suit us both and for this I cannot thank her enough for this opportunity so thank you. those two little words most definately do not seem enough but words cannot express how i feel about it apart from pure excitement.

So gone from having a super day yesterday to a proper down day today but can't put it down to anything at all just one of those days but the excitement from the yard keep a positive look on things that and the fact that smurph is doing well and dash is giving me loads of cuddles.

so off to bed now but will leave you with this super quote:
“If you enter this world knowing you are loved and you leave this world knowing the same, then everything that happens in between can be dealt with.” michael jackson

night x

Saturday, 7 November 2009

Decisions decisions

Interesting kind of day today went into work as we weren't sure if one of the teachers was coming in or not and luckily for me she did so I only had to one hour then went home. This allowed me to do a lot of thinking and decision making.

I have decided that:
  • the glass is always half full
  • stress is an unnecessary waste of energy(not that i think this will stop me stressing but you never know)
  • it is time for me to try to find a base so i am on the look out for a yard to rent/use in return for looking after someones horses-with a friend
  • i really ought to try to take on as many of the rides that I am offered to try to further my career
  • To get where I want to go will happen it's just going to be a difficult journey to get there
  • this is the year I need to kick myself up the arse and get competing seriously.

So with this in mind I really have spent a lot of the afternoon on the Internet trying to find some yards in the area that may well be worth going to look at and are possible for me the result: not a lot as yet but will keep looking after all if you want something enough you will make it happen. So all the time I would normally be spending riding will be spent looking around for possibilities as obviously can't ride at the moment because of these silly crutches but then the ankle will need to mend properly in order for me to have the career I want to the level I want as really can't have too many old injuries for fear they will come back to haunt me!

I have been offered a superb 9yr old gelding by Rubeinstein who is currently in Holland but is being brought over here for personal reasons and is being bought very cheap due to this. He is actually coming in to be sold if I can find a stable for him however really I would love to buy him as he may possibly be the horse that begins my really serious competing. He is working at their equivalent of advanced medium and knows tempi changes, etc and is learning piaffe and passage. He has just passed a 5 stage vetting and would be a super chance for me. Anyone know of someone that would either lend me the money or possibly buy him for me to ride-cheeky I know but worth a go after all unless you try you never get.

So please keep an ear out for a yard and also if anyone would be interested in sponsoring me and taking a chance of a hugely driven and ambitious young rider please contact me.


Thursday, 5 November 2009

boring, boring, boring

A very boring day today but at least resting the ankle which is always good. Down the yard early this morning to help poo pick Tom's field as he went in with the rest of the boys today ready for them all to move fields on saturday. He seemed to be very happy to finally be out with friends and seemed a lot more chilled tonight which is nice as he's been a little unsettled the last fews days or maybe that's me who knows either way he was a very happy horse tonight.

Smurph didn't get ridden todayas my friends car broke down so a friend from the yard is going to ride him tomorrow so fingers crossed he'll behave I'm sure he will but I won't be there which always makes me slightly worry. However she is good enough with a good enough seat to sit if he does anything-fingers crossed.

Been working at the pub today which was extremely boring as we went that busy at all today which tends to make the day drag on and on. However i did get all the quiz questions done for monday night which makes it a bit easier as its my birthday on monday. Have a nice evening planned as going out for a meal with friends at mum's pub so should be a good evening.

Right have to take my dad down to the pub to lock up.


Wednesday, 4 November 2009

go smurph go

So Smurph had his first trot today and am so so pleased. Considering he has been off work for so long his trot is still most definately there which is very very pleasing. A friend of mine rode him for me today and do have to say am struggling with these flipping crutches as so want to be riding Smurph but if i get it right and do as im told then the ankle should recover well and I'll be back riding soon. Hopefully his osteo come physio come therapist should be out next week which is perfect timing as he will have been trotting for a week by then so will be good for him to see Smurph. He's going to be seen every few weeks whilst he is coming back into work and then will be seen as normal once every 6 weeks as all mine are as a matter of course.

Had great fun with the uni today as they were doing mounted games which is always a great laugh as they really do enter into the spirit of things which makes things so much more enjoyable as an instructor. We only had one faller which I think may well be partially my fault as as the horse came towards me at great speed I moved as quick as I could away one the crutches as the horse went flying round the corner and the poor rider carried on straight- super fall though if there is such a thing.

Have to say this whole being on crutches thing is driving me mad. I love being able to my horses completely on my own and looking after every aspect of them. it's not that I don't trust people it's just I like things to be done as they are everyday but there we go. I also hate that feeling of helplessness that I have at the moment as seem to be unable to do much around at all. It is however giving me time to spend just sitting with the boys which is nice to be able to do sometimes. They really are super listeners and you can be sure they won't repeat things and really do find it therapeutic to just sit and watch them they really do just seem at peace and very chilled. They are very relaxing just to watch and think and be around.

Time for bed and early night I think ankle is sore so wakes me up when I knock it maybe tonight I'll get more sleep.


Sunday, 1 November 2009

sound horse, lame rider

so smurph is sound and doing really well so pleased that everything seems to be on the up as far as he is concerned. It's been such a hard long struggle to get him sound and to the point where he is ok to begin to slowly come back into work and I look forward every day to being able to ride him. He's beginning to look a bit better-phew.

As for me have to say I'm a complete muppet. Still didn't feel that great friday and just about made it through the day of teaching with a little bit of voice left at the end of it. Thought that I had a nice evening of relaxing in front of the TV and chilling ahead but one of the guys who works behind the bar at Mum's pub had to take his girlfriend to A and E after she had a nasty bump on the head so mum asked me to work as there was noone else. Relucntantly I agreed so went home feeling rather rubbish and got ready to go to the pub. Dad then said that if I covered him whilst he had his dinner he'd do the rest of the night which of course I agreed to. So I had a few drinks after with a couple of friends. Went behind the bar to grab a drink dancing , jumped up and didn't land square on my left ankle which is very dodgy anyway, slipped on a bit of ice which I had dropped grabbed the till to steady me(unfortunately our till is on a hinge) slipped and went flying and completely over on my ankle. We all had a huge amount of laughter at first as one miute I was jumping around behind the bar next I was flat on my back. So we were all laughing including me untill I tried to get up and loads of pain shot up my ankle-not good. Within a matter of moments swelling had taken over and my laughter very quickly turned to tears. Anyway result is crutches and the dodgy ligaments are damaged so will be on crutches for a couple of weeks I should think but plan to get back asap as want to get back riding. There's nothing more frustrating than having lots of horses to ride especially your own that been off work for a very long time and not be able to ride them so I will be back on asap. A couple of friends have kindly agreed to help me out with Smurph to bring him back into work whilst I'm off. At least I can drive (kind of) so can still teach but will lose money by not being able to ride and can still work behind the bar in a fashion( very funny-ever seen a baar maid on crutches!!!???)so money will still come in-big phew.

So now I'm off to sleep little dash man is curled up looking at me . Still at least I will have a slightly easier week which I'm sure my body will be grateful for however would have liked it to have been by choice not enforced but hey ho every cloud has a silver lining.


Thursday, 29 October 2009

mixed kinda day

Today has been a little on the very mixed side. Had an enforced day off due to illness and appointments.

After feeling ill the last few days I woke up this morning feeling totally rotten so much so that I had to ring a friend to turn out the horses which then meant I didn't have to get up untill 10:30! This would normally have been blissful as would actually have allowed me to chill for a little while but this morning it just meant trying to summon up the energy to actually get out of bed and try to make it down the yard to muck out etc. I did eventually get out of bed and get down to the yard but boy fif it take a lot of effort and found myself having to sit down every 15mins or so to catch my breath! Hmmmm very unlike me and not a good feeling. I still have a high temperature, dizziness, achey and very much lacking in energy which normally I would say is the flu but I had a flu jab about 4 weeks ago so am putting it down to a particulary nasty virus-not nice and am very unimpressed by the illness as like to be a very active person.

The vet came out to see Smurph today and am extremely glad to say that the vet is very pleased with him and he is 100% sound to all test which such a super feeling after wondering if I would ever get to ride him again but a few weeks ago. He has said to increase his walking and aim to gradually bring in some trot work at the end of next week and then gradually increase the trot and then for him to come out and see him in about 4 weeks time. Phew! He also said if I have any problems just to ring him which is very nice that a vet has taken such an interest in his case although as he says it's not a normal case of lameness so has been quite interesting thing for the both of us although I would prefer it not to be on my horse but has been interesting none the less. So go Smurph fingers crossed.

Dash seems pretty much back to normal too which is super news maybe things are going to begin to look up in that area of my life-would be nice after all as just seem to feel like I've had a lot of bad luck with my animals recently.

then this afternoon I had a check-up for something very scary but am very pleased to say that all results came back clear and don't have to go back for 6 months and then after that as long as everything is ok I will just go back every 6 months for a scan and a few tests which to be honest I would rather so if it does happen again it can be caught early and dealt with. It really isn't a nice thing to have to deal with and go through and really would never wish to be that ill again. It makes the way I feel at the moment positively well!! I know I'm being a bit cryptic but the word itself scares me. Silly isn't it how one word can become so scary but there you go one word can completly change your life.

right am going back to bed where I have been most of the day in between appointments and try to feel a little better tomorrow as have a busy busy day.


Wednesday, 28 October 2009

being sick just isnt an option

So I think it has finally caught up with me all these crazy hours. Felt rather ill yesterday with a nasty temperature and dizziness and knowing I had a busy day today i thought I'd try get an early night last night but best laid plans and all that and was nearly 11 by the time i actually got into bed!

So i set off this morning feeling rather ill and not really sure how to get through the day but as usual off I went and finish the day I did. Had a super day really as got asked to jump a friend of a friend's horse as she has unfortunately broken her wrist actually falling off this particular horse. We did fairly well if you ignore the bucking as he does when jumping in particular in combinations!!! He has had everything under the sun checked and it has been put down to being young and rather exhuburent!! Anyway we had a double clear in the first class and just rolled a pole in the second due to some lack of attention by him and me being slightly slow and not keeping his balance a rythmn would like to put that down to being ill but have never been one for excuses so will just say that I didn't ride that great and to be honest felt like I have let the horse and my friend down but I will keep the ride on this cheeky chap untill her wrist is mended and maybe even after-super!

Funny isn't it how when we feel like we have nothing left and everything is a struggle that we find this inner strength that enables us to keep on going and even when the battery is empty somehow we find that reserve tank and on we go. Or maybe its the thought that we are being looked after by that very special guardian angel that helps us get through everyday and just knowing that that presence is there is enough to go on even through the extremely tough times. No matter how hard life gets and that we feel that the rollarcoaster we are on is never going to come back up or even plateau we have to remember this...
' the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't always have to be a train'!


Tuesday, 27 October 2009

busy busy busy....

Phew well what a day have to say I am slightly on the exhuasted side now. I left the house at 6.45 this morning and got in a few minutes ago.

A nice early start down on the yard to do my boys. It certainly is a nice way to start the day with a super greeting by Murphy who always without fail calls when he see's or hears me. lovely feeling it really is. So sorted out Smurph and Tom and then left at 8 having done both boys stables etc and prepared evything for tonight. Then off to HAll Place to help with the SJ all day which provided some very funny and sometimes frustrating entertainment. Then late leaving as i always am from anywhere off to finish off boys then to the pub to do my shift there which unusually for a monday turned out to be a late one.

Been a nice day today nice and busy not too much thinking time available so have had a good day today made better by some super cuddles with Smurph, Tom and Dash. The animals are great they ask no questions and tell nothing to anyone something in this funny old world you can trust 110%. If Smurph and Dash could talk I'd probably be in a lot of trouble and the barrier that we all put up when we need to would come crashing down around so thankfully they can't.

Have a pony day all day tomorrow followed by a nice hack and actually a fairly early finish. Just have to pop and see someone about some teaching after finish the boys off then can go home and relax-nice deep radox bath me thinks.

Time for sleep now if I remember what that is!


Sunday, 25 October 2009

Time to start again......

So it's been an awful long time since i wrote and what a lot has happened but I now feel it's time to start writing again as it does help it really does. There is something very therapeutic about writing it helps to put things into some sort of sense when you really can't just in your head!

So I am now freelance again! I felt that I was not getting out of the job what I wanted to and felt stuck in a rut, a feeling i really dislike to say the least. I thought the holiday in Poland with my special friend would help but what it actually did was to finalise my decision that it was time to go back to the life of a freelance instructor. I am have been very fortunate that Hall Place have taken me back and that so have a lot of my old clients as well as some new clients and I have few new rides. I am so glad to be back freelance in a life that really suits me and makes me feel like it is all worth while.

So there have been tears, laughter, stress you name it with Murphy my very special horse with whom I have been through a lot with. He was declared sound just before I left Rycroft and started to walk in hand. Then when I moved him back to the livery yard where I had him originally he was allowed out in a small paddock as he is really settled there, under sedation. Then as we upped his walking in hand he began to go intermittently lame and then got worse so we booked a scan at Liphook and for David to have another look at him but were not too hopeful thinking I was going to have to make the unthinkable decision. He then had a mad gallop round then field which lasted for ages but by which time i was like well lets just let him be a horse. Miraculously he came in sound which has confused vets and everyone and has (touch wood) been sound ever since. So we cancelled his visit to Liphook and for the last week I have been slowly slowly slowly bringing him back into work under saddle and am not ashamed to say I shed a tear or two that first day as I honestly thought I would never get to sit on him for a while. So far so good. The vet is out on Thursday to check him. he has had many a gallop in the field since and so far is remaining sound so hopefully the leg is mended and the bit of lameness was just a small setback. so carefully carefully he will come back into work and we shall see but he should now make a full recovery and be out next year competing-phew. Keep everything crossed.

Dash is getting bigger and bigger and a little cheeky as he reaches that terrible teenage stage but certainly knows who his mum is and is given the choice would never leave my side even now he is asleep nest to me.

Life is certainly a rollercoaster and I have good days and bad days. It's been difficult recently Mike and I are no longer together for one reason and another. It was a year ago on the 17th Oct since Ben passed away and not a day goes by when he isn't in my thoughts. I still have that feeling that he is still around and looking out for me. it was a very difficult time and i shed a huge amount of tears but I still find a resilience that seems to help me get through the day-although sometimes only just! I find it so so difficult but life has to go on one way or another and as long as i keep busy I seem to struggle through. Keeping myself busy and almost in a real state of tiredness seems to help as at least I can sleep a little at night although not a huge amount.

there really is so much on my mind right now some of which I really don't feel I can write down here although no doubt it would be of some benefit to me.

Life is a funny thing really and not always in a ha ha kind of way. Love helps to get us through but sometimes when you don't feel love it makes for a unhappy place and a struggle to get through each day. there is a huge amount on my mind at the moment and my mind is not a great place to be. As long as I have the good memories things are ok it's when we forget these that our minds go into overdrive and struggle to find the positive side of things. I go back for my check up on Thursday and although I'm not overly worried about it it is still there in the back of my mind the what ifs?........

In a life where support is hard to find and each day you feel like you are working so hard and you are not really sure why. When you get back home and there are arguments and things are said and you're not sure why or how and you have no idea where you stand or quite how you feel what do you do? what you do is go to sleep and hope that when you wake up tomorrow will be a better day and you dare not stop for the fear that if you stop you will never ever start again. Then you look at the little dog sat by you and realise that there is some love and that no matter he will love you unconditionally and is always there and will always have a cuddle and doesn't judge and doesn't argue or say things but is just there so you smile and realise maybe there is something good possibly something worth waking up for. then you realise you have a few friends that'll always be there and will always listen and will do their upmost best to pick you up when you are down and you will always do the same not out of duty but because you care and they care and maybe just maybe there is a little love in this crazy mixed up world you just never know. Don't get me wrong i enjoy what I do and that's not the problem at all in fact work is super and provides a excellent brake from all the shit, all the other stuff that you just wish would disappear and never rear it's ugly head again but for now on we go tomorrow is another day.


Wednesday, 26 August 2009

i'm back

So I am back from the most fanastic time in poland just wish we could have gone for a little longer. The weather was fab apart from cross country day where there was a little rain and wind so proper XC weather. Will have pics up soon as soon as I get a chance to look through them and sort them all out.

It really was a privilege to be able to accompany my very special friend to her family and friends where I was made to feel very welcome and part of the family.

got a few things on my little old mind will finish writing tomorrow


Tuesday, 18 August 2009

poland here i come

So it's been a while simply because I've been hugely busy.

Murphy is still on box rest but hopefully will be sound when the vet looks at him next thursday really would be super then we can start his recupperation. We shall see. He's lost all his muscle but seems to be coping well with all this box rest but we do have a no kids to handle rule as he is known to throw a leg out at the moment randomly-poor boy. His knee seems to have less heat in it now but I am slightly concerned about the fact that a bit of swelling keeps appearing than disappearing and so on and so on.

Am still loving riding Jack and he really seems to be coming on nicely. he's developing a lot more correct muscle and is really beginning to come through his back now and consiquently is jumping better too not so many poles being dropped. He is pretty much the same to jump as Murphy so is keeping my eye in nicely ready for that super day when I can jump my boy again.

Dash is getting bigger and bigger and really is turning into a super little dog and seems to be loving going to the shows with the scurry ponies. We now have 2 pairs qualified for the national championships and thaat grey is doing super well. there's always another chapter to the story where that little pony is concerned a bit like a cat with 9 lives bless him. Hopefully Bill will qualify them for Newbury at the show on Wednesday.

Am off to Poland tomorrow with a friend of mine to watch the World cup eventing finals which should be fantastic and am really looking forward to it. It has come at a time when I could really use a break from work and just chill for a bit so this week has super timing. Will be really nice to have some time to watch professionals who are at the top of their game gain some tips etc. so really ought to start packing!!! My friend is on her way to me now so we will set off early tomorrow to get the train then fly-the two things that actually I'm both scared of so time to conquer those fears. Strange fears really if you consider I will get on a unbacked horse but am scared on flyng a trains!!!! Well we shall see.

Right will write when I get back can't wait will take loads of pictures and will try to post some up here.

Dash is off to stay with his mum and brother at my friends house and will also be off to the shows without me. Will miss him loads but I'm sure he'll have a great time. Am also going to miss Murphy loads and have left the girls a huge long list about him-poor people. I'm sure they are more tahn capable but it just makes me feel a little better. So good luck to Bill and the ponies at the few shows that they are off to without me hopefully I will come back to more ponies that have qualified.

Will miss mike but I'm sure he'll cope and has a few boys nights out planned. xxx

right packing i suppose not my favourite thing.

write soon


Monday, 27 July 2009

I believe.....

With a renewed upbeat look on things I am feeling very positive and now I can really concentrate on things and what exxactly it is I really want to do.

I belive:

  • that if you want something enough you will do everything in your power to achieve it or to make it happen

  • friends and family make the world go round and make this journey called life interesting and so very worthwhile

  • everything happens for a reason even if the reason if not always clear

  • the glass is always half full if not over flowing

  • love is the most unbelievable thing but yet cannot really be defined

  • there are so many things to be learned but yet not enough time to learn them all

  • sometimes the best things happen when you least expect them

  • you are blessed if you meet a few very special people that love and care for you

  • ambitions are things that push you to achieve

  • each day should be lived as if it were your last

  • things are what you make them so make them the best

  • special friends that really do care and those that you can just sit with and not say a word yet feel good about things are few and far between so look after them

  • that true friends are those you can make that 4 am phone call to and know they will answer

  • you should treat others as you would want to be treated

  • life is too short why waste it
  • we don't spend enough time just sitting in the grass watching the clouds go by

So heres a thank you to those that make everyday a special whether we speak or not knowing you're there is a blessing indeed and hope I do the same for you.

A few quotes from my favourite bear!:

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever”
Winnie the Pooh

“I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true.”
Winnie the Pooh

“Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.”
Winnie the Pooh

Saturday, 25 July 2009

I believe

this is my song for the night!!!

will write more tomorrow. Think this song kind of says it all for tonight. Glad I've stuck with things. Sometimes people think that you should do something different all I can say is I am so glad I chose this path now all I have to do is believe!!!!!! I was once told if you want something enough you will make it happen well I really want to be a great rider if at all possible. Somedays you just feel like flying!!!!!

Thursday, 23 July 2009

Smile again

So had a wierd few days! Took Murphy down to Liphook on monday and ended up spending much longer there then I thought I would. We did a few nerve blocks that seemed to be pretty conclusive to there being something behind the knew but did x-rays to confirm and to find out what was the cause of the pain and inflammation. the x-rays showed the one thing that David Loyd didn't want the bit of cartilage on the back of the left knee had turned to bone and appeared to be cutting into the tendons and ligaments which really wasn't good news. Depending upon the severity of the damage to the tendons and ligaments would depend on the outcome and the chance of recovery be it full or part or if at all.

I left Liphook on monday completely distraught with the possibiltity that I may not bring my pony home or at best he would need an operation on thursday to try to remove the bone to give him the best chance possible of a full recovery. I decided to leave him there as mor test etc were neccessary on wednesday to decide exactly what the prognosis was and if the operation was worth doing and whether he would be able to fulfill his potential, jump again, just do dressage or nothing at all. So Tuesday I really was on edge.

However my first great piece of news came on tuesday when I got my final results which said that everything was alright with me and the joy was unbelievable. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry , scream shout what so I settled for putting all my effort into the lesson that I had to teach. Obvioulsy at the forefront of my mind was the thoughts of murphy and what the outcome would be on wednesday. Not sure after monday I had anymore tears to cry any more shouting to do or any more emotions left in me!!!!!! But I was ok so that was one thing. My boss said to me maybe it was my week and things were going to go upwards from here.

I have to say the verts and all the staff at liphook were superb. They took the best care of Murphy possible and were excellent towards me answering any questions I had in depth and always enquiring about him and what I was doing with him and what david had said and honestly seemed very interested in both me and my horse. People really did seem to like him and David thought he was a super horse with and excellent attitude to life. Davis took so much time explaining to me exactly what the x-rays , scans etc were saying and how it all effected murphy.

So wednesday we did one more nerve block which interestingly enough only made him 50% sound so we scanned. This is where our fortunes changed. It showed that the bit of bone on the back of his knee was a red herring and was indeed not effecting the tendons etc in any way. What it did show however is that he has damaged all the tendons and ligaments, carpal ligaments at the back of his knee quite badly!!!! BUT and what a great BUT it is he has a 99% chance of making a full recovery and returning to do everything he could ever do so the ong road to recovery will be worth every second and every little difficulty that I'm sure we will encounter along the way. It will be a long hard 9 months of recovery but it will be worth it and fingers crossed next season will be ours! It does however mean he misses the second round of the national amateurs but it is a very small price to pay for a sound horse that will return to a good and hopefully even better than he was before. Now for the moment we have 6-8weeks box rest followed by 8 weeks of turn out under sedation in a very small paddock for a few hours a day then very very slowly and gently he can start walking in hand and then so on. Malcom my vet will be there all along the way keeping a very close eye on him making sure that we are doing our best in all respects to give the very best chance.

He is having to go onto potassium bromide to keep him calm to help to reduce the risk of further injury in the stable as he isn't the most predictable at the moment plus we have children on the yard and although he is staff only to handle sometimes they go in or they give him something and I just cant risk it. Plus to be honest if it keeps him calmer its a lot better for his chance of recovery and I'm all for that anything is so worth a go. He is also having a course of Adequan injections and is going onto a double dose of arthri-aid which is a joint supplement byt nutri science that I think is fantastic. He also has lots of boredome breakers in his stable balls, non-sugary licks, salt licks etc anything that I can think of that will keep him occupied as he is so so bored as already he has been on nearly 7 weeks box rest. Now thats a lot for any horse let alone one that was so fit and ready to event before this all happened. To think this all happened in the field! It is thought that he was galloping around being an idiot like he is and came to a sudden stop and bent his knee back and basically the ligaments, tendons etc have done their job and become damaged to protect any damage to the knee joint itself.

Over all I'm very happy and pleased after the way this week started. I'm all fine and 100% and the horse is going to be fine so roll on. So nice to finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief and smile a true smile not one of those you put on for a brave face but a true 100% meant smile!!!! So thank you to all my friends that have been there and supported however, Mike and of course the vets and in particular David Loyd so thank you all everso.

Big smiles all round and a few drink to celebrate I think. Oh and on top of that some super riding I've had this week including jumping jack over some proper height! Excellent later week than what it appeared it was going to be at the beginning. Role on next season!!!!!!


Saturday, 18 July 2009

Wisdom from winnie the pooh!!!!!

So now I have managed to get my scrambled stressed brain into some sort of order and am making some kind of sense I shall try to make some sense on here.

Very busy day at the yard today which helps as keeps me busy and therefore not giving my brain much time to go into overdrive about things. I was meant to be working at the pub tonight but to be honest I'm too tired and my brain just wouldn't cope so have swaped my shift with my friend who was doing tomorrow evening-maybe one more day will help?!

Georg C. Lichtenberg:
One's first step in wisdom is to question everything - and one's last is to come to terms with everything.

How very true indeed.

Rode jack again today (ex event horse) and he was super really is beginning to relax stretching down comfortably and today even mannaged to stretch so much he was on the buckle in canter so was so so pleased. He really is good for me at the moment as when I am on him I think of nothing else but him and how he feels how I can make it nicer for him etc. Looks like i shall be riding him a lot.

I think sometimes we just want that one last conversation, that one last thing to say one last time to say I love you but it's just not possible. However if I could have one last conversation with Ben I think I would say very simply 'I love you and thank you for everything. Every single day, every single moment, everything you ever said to me and every little bit of support and for being with me in the past the present and the future and how I wish things could be different. So thank you and I love you.'

I think he would reply with something like this quote from Winnie the pooh:
'If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you'.-- Winnie the Pooh

I would however just like so say that yes I miss Ben terribly everyday and not a day goes by when I don't think of him and wish that yes it would have been nice in 50yrs to be sat on Brighton Pier with fish and chips but Mike is my rock and is there with me every step of the way. We both knew Ben for many years and is nice that we both understand how we each feel and deal with it together and comfort each other through the difficult times. Have to say I think I am very lucky. I have a super man who loves me and looks after me and some super friends who I could always make that 4am phone call to and know that they would pick up reguardless. So role on Tuesday and hopefully all will be ok as I hate feeling like this and really would like to feel like my normal self.. So by tuesday I will know about Murphy and I will know about me. Still sore today but little less then yesterday so good news.

Right going to eat something before I get severely told off then I think an early night.


Friday, 17 July 2009

The way of the world

Well not quite the results I was hoping for but certainly could have been a lot worse. Tests have been done and now I have to hang on in there till Tuesday to find out those results. Due to some abnomalities today with some of the tests(for want of a better word) further tests had to be done which have to say weren't exactly the most pleasent or comfortable and no doubt I will be bit sore for a few days but we shall see so everyone fingers crossed for the results to be 100% perfect on tuesday. Mike has been a superstar and continues to be so. A mega thank you goes to him and some very supportive friends love to you all. People keep saying be positive, dont think too much which is all very good advice but is easier said than done. Think I need one of those magic wands.

Thsi afternoon I did go to work but to be honest might as well have not been there but hopefully my teaching didnt suffer. I'm getting very good at walking through those school doors and leaving everything outside-lots of practice you see!!! I hate this so much and feel like I am burdening people with my problems and I hate the idea of that but am so so grateful for the support I get.

Too much to think about tonight and am sure I'm not making any sense so am off for lots of much needed cuddle and hopefully some sleep if I'm lucky and if my body hasnt forgotten what that is. Struggling on is what I feel I am doing and really hate that feeling and hate the feeling of 'whats the point'. Still hopefully will be good news on monday about murphy and good news about me on tuesday after all at some point things must pick up thats the way of the world..... isn't it!?


Thursday, 16 July 2009

Well fingers crossed for tomorrow and everything else that is possible to cross. Too many emotions and too much stress to write tonight. Will catch up tomorrow


Wednesday, 15 July 2009


True special friends those that you can talk to or just sometimes not, those that are always there amd those without really doing anything make you feel better are very few and far between. I am very lucky to have someone that can do this for me no matter how I feel I always end up leaving her company so much better than I did before and for this I am so so grateful. Words can't express how I feel and how grateful I am to have her friendship. So today I went to see my such friend and true to form I felt a lot better after being in her company than I sure did before. Had a very busy morning at work followed by an afternoon off which was very much needed but allows me a little too much time to think. So I went to sleep for a bit then had a few things that I needed to do then drove over to see her and have a quick catch up at a yard I used to work at. It's always nice to go back to somewhere you used to work and feel welcome so I had a few nice chats with some friends that I haven't seen for probably around 6 weeks now then we went off to have some food a nice chat some playing with dash then unfortunately had to drop her off so she could make her way back home. It's not untill you leave someone and you are driving home that the true feeling and thoughts return. It'd very easy to put on a brave face and have a laugh whilst you are surrounded by people but it sure does hit you when you are suddenly on your own.

Very busy morning at work and rode Sebastian who has had some novices on him in the last few days and then the physio then day off so didn't feel great today and have to say I wasnt really in the right mood so we did a little but of schooling then went for a bit of a walk as I didn't think it was fair of me to try to improve or school the horse when my heart or mind wasn't really in it.

Still tomorrow is another day so fingers crossed for a better feeling day. It's very hard to pick yourself up and work your way through the difficult times expecially when the one person who was always there for you always by your side and a massive part of your life if not your whole life for such a long time isnt there anymore. Not a day goes by when I dont think of my dearest ben but I know that part of him is always with me and also that part of me died when he did but you really do have to pick yourself up and try to live this thing called life and boy what a rollarcoaster it can be! We must ride the ups and the downs and at some point that it goes more up than down. It is the times that are difficult, you aren't sure, stressed worried etc that you just want that person to walk through the door like he used to and give you a hug and say 'you know what everything will be just fine' just like they used to. I am however with a special person who understands it all and is there for me if I would only just let him in just a little more but I can't not just yet. I have good days and bad days. i was once told it will get easier which I believe but what I want to know is when and how do I make this happen and is it when things are tough that it just seems never ending. Still stressing and worrying isn't going to help neither is the lack of sleep so I think I am going to try to catch a little bit of sleep now and see how things are in the morning. Just one question why do things always happen at once. Worrying about a few things at a time is very tiring and as much as I try worrying is happening still at least after friday I shall know about me and Monday I shall know about Murphy and Ben well he is always with me and always in my heart and you never know at some point it just may get a little easier just everything comes back when I am stressed and worried.
Time to try to get some zzzz's after lots of cuddles from Mike and Dash.


Tuesday, 14 July 2009


Have to say with all things considered I am quite glad that we didn't go to yorkshire my heart just isn't in it this week but hopefully it will be by the time New Forest show comes around. There really is just too much on my mind at the moment which meant that it probably wouldnt have been very successful just a lot of stress.

Kept nice and busy today which helped to keep my mind focused which always helps in times when the mind likes to run away with itself. Had a super lesson on Darcy this morning which is the bog standard cob which I've been asked to school and help him. We decided that now his flatwork is improving it was time to have another look at his jumping. It really has changed we've gone from knocking over a small cross pole because we just couldn't be bothered to pick our feet up and to be fair wasn't balanced enough or had a good enough canter but boy has that changed. Today we went down a grid which consisted of a bounce, one stride, one stride, one stride then a bounce to finish at about 2ft6 not high I know but he left it all up and even managed to make some kind of shape. Go Darcy his mum gets back off of holiday next week so will be good to see if she notices any difference. Then this afternoon has to be my favourite ride of the day Guiness a little 15.1hh black gelding whos schooling is coming on in leaps and bounds. We have been really working on getting him to relax as when you ask him to come up a little he get tense and tends to set himself. Today we had a great breakthrough. I tried warming him up in canter in a light seat with him over the back in a long and low frame. The i went on to pick him up in walk, trot and canter and today in most parts he was really through the back and rlaxed and true in his trapezius meaning there wasn't the normal block we get with him so over the moon will be interesting to see how he comes out tomorrow.

Am going to see a really good friend of mine tomorrow who I haven't seen for a few weeks now as things just haven't worked out but will be good to see her as she always is great at listening and just letting me ramble then helps me to put things in perspective which i am always greatful for. Hopefully I do the same for her as well. Anyway looking forward to it a great deal. We really must try and see each other more often.

Looks like I have a very busy morning tomorrow which is usual on my half day. Then after I finish am off to see a friend of mines horse which I have heard good and bad things about it so will be useful if I can give her another view point. I really am enjoying having such a variety of horses to ride but really wish Murphy was one of them.

Some things that happen in our lives really do shape things and change the way we look at things and how we think and do maybe for the better maybe for the worse who knows but aslong as each time something happens you pick yourself up again and look at things and then get going it's usually ok.


Monday, 13 July 2009

funny old thing life......

Fuuny old thing life isn't it. Spent the morning walking the XC with a friend who is competing at tweseldown today which would have been Murphy and mine first event of the season! Felt very strange to think that had things of been different I would have been walking it with a very different view point. Have to say it was a very nice course lots of flowing bits where you could have a super gallop up to some nice attacking fences but then there was also the technical bits including a sunken road with an offset skinny fence coming out of it. Some fences were rider frighteners where the rider would really have to think positive and have the horse listening and between leg and hand. so good luck to her this afternoon.

Day off today which allows me some thinking time. Difficult week this week am worried about Murphy and will be good to know what is going on there least then we can get on and treat whatever it is . he is coping very well overall with his box rest. He loves his stable and enjoys all the extra fuss and attention but he would much rather be working as that is what he enjoys most. Also I have a very important appointment on friday which is causing me a great deal of stress and worry so will very glad to get that over and done with and know what is what but fingers crossed for that too.

Well we are not off to Yorkshire which means a week at home which is good from the point of view I can keep Murphy occupied and also I'm not sure I would have enjoyed it even though it is one of my favourite shows.

Not sleeping so great at the moment so I'm going to try to catch some sleep now then am off to work in the pub later.


Sunday, 12 July 2009

emotions and worry

So my handsome Murphy had his scan on thursday which showed absolutely nothing at all!!! All ligaments, tendons etc all seem to be 100% perfect so now we are off to liphook a week tomorrow so the 20th for investigatory work! Hmm so not great news at all. there is a slight thought that he may have fractured his cannon!!!!!!!!! Not great at all if it lengthways then would be fixable but if its horizontal well then don't even really want to think about it. My poor poor boy so now we play the waiting game again and keep fingers crossed that it isn't the above and maybe we just misse something on the scan but who knows. So yes I am really worried about him. He doesnt look that great losing muscle now and beginning to get very very bored and consiquently is a bit of a bad tempered young man.

Looks like I might not be going to Great Yorkshire show this week but will find out tomorrow. Will get the phone call in the morning to let me know. I love this show and is probably one of my favourites but on the other hand really want to be around with Murphy.

Have the hospital appointment on friday so looks like it is going to be a very stressful week still at least I have my little bit of sanity that comes in the form of a little jack russel named dash and what a sweety he is. Amazing how they pick up on things and become very sensitive to it all. he's currently curled up beside me and hasn't moved. Mike of course is being 100% supportive and is very understanding with my snaping bless him I'm a bit like a yo-yo at the moment so he is putting up with a lot.

Have had a mega busy week so am off to sleep now.


Wednesday, 8 July 2009

its not always great news

Haven't written for a while as have been so busy and to be honest haven't really had time or the energy to get on here and write.

Well Murphy had nerve blocks last thursday as is still very much lame. After lots of them (poor boy) we managed to block to a little splint about and inch above his left fore fetlock so now there are 2 main trails of thought:

1) He has managed to kick himself in the field as he was turned out without any boots!!!!! In which case he has given himself a star fracture which means an operation to remove the splint followed by time off probably around 4-6 weeks!

2) He has aggrevated the suspensory by being an idiot in the field which is now rubbing on the same little splint which of course means that it cannot be repaired so again an operation is needed but with this time more time off as will have to have time off for recovery fom op and of course the suspensory so we will prob give him 4 weeks box rest followed by some months in the field!!

Either way it is not great and means no eventing for us this year inless of course the scan that we are having done tomorrow shows something completly different and not serious which would be super but am not holding up much hope. Poor little murphy but he is coping very well on box rest just as well he seems to like being in his box plus there is an awful lot for him to look at and watch which helps.

My instructor took a few pics of me riding the little coloured ex-show cob today so thought I would share them with you. he has been improving each day and has now really come on.

However he has little problem with coming behind the bit but it is improving. we also have a new horse on the yard who one of the teenagers has bought from a friend and fellow intructor. It is a little sweety of an ex event horse. He's 12 yrs old and irish by the look of him and is proving to be a little superstar and is giving me something that i can really practice my riding on. However he is still event fit so needs to be let down a little bit but really is going to be so good for the staff and the better clients.

right off to bed as tiredness is creeping in. Off to have a lesson and was lessons with Adam mills again tomorrow and am borrowing a horse which I've never sat on before for my lesson. Hmmm could be interesting.

on a parting note little dash is getting bigger.

Sunday, 28 June 2009

dizzy, time for sleep and hickstead

didn't get back to finish writing yesterday. Tried to make myself feel better by getting some fresh air and taking the puppy out for a while which unfortunately did not work. So feeling very ill I went off to bed. The puppy decided that he was going to wake me around 530 disrupting my sleep which i really could have done without. Anyway off i went to work this morning my friend picked me up as due to my car not wanting to play ball and my dash board isn't working which means no speedometer, no rev counter, no petrol gauge and no temp gauge!!! not good still at least my sisters other half is a mechanic so he's going to have a look at it later or tomorrow.

made it till around 10 today then ended up going back home as really wasnt a good plan for me to be working today. I had to rearrange my lessons for the day for other people to teach them and then mum was going to pick me up but couldnt due to work at the pub so a very kind client took me and dash home where I have been ever since. Have spent most of the afternoon in bed asleep tried to watch the hickstead derby but kept dozing. However what a round and win for William Funnel absolutely foot perfect. there were some rounds today that looked very untidy and haphazard which in my view I would not expect to see at such a level. Now I know that everybody makes mistakes not doubt about it but. however the ending was a very fitting memory to Douglas Bunn who sadly died 12 days ago who set up the Hickstead complex etc and has done a huge amount for british SJ providing us with one of the best venues in the world. Now I know how huge and daunting that ring is after competing there with the scurry ponies in years gone by. It is much bigger than what it appears on the telly and the bank is massive and a dream of riding down it one day got bigger each time we went in that ring. Unfortunately for some people today the atmosphere just seemed to much and the fences a little too big for their horses and for some luck just wasnt with them today. William Whitiker put in a super round and british SJ has a lot to look forward to there and in other young riders which we seem to be producing now. It wasnt a great day at the office for Ben Maher but I am a big fan of his and the way he rides and how he can ride such different horses and get a super tune out of them in a very calm balanced manner with such a massive amount of feel. On a slightly less positive note Micheal Whitiker has been found guilty of one of his horses failing a dope test but it appears that it is due to a mix up by his groom giving a gelding a feedbowl that had previously been used for regumate which is legal when given to mares but not to geldings/stallions so fingers crossed that at his hearing this will be taken into considerationas we really could do with not losing him for a minimum of 2 years.

So after sleeping all afernoon am I feeling better I would love to say yes but I cannot back of to sleep I think hopefully I can sleep whatever this is off and would rather not keep falling over. On a positive note Murphy seemed sound today yes he's on bute but we are decreasing it and he was lame on thursday and friday with the bute so fingers crossed he is on the way back would be really nice to get back on him as riding other people's as nice as they are is just not quite the same when you have a super horse of your own stood in a stable.

Right off to sleep

Saturday, 27 June 2009

dizzy dizzy dizzy!!!

Strange sort of day. I was very tired this morning after an exam day at the yard yesterday meaning a 630am start finishing at 615. Then a shift in the pub from 7-1130 so a very tired me this morning but felt really well. Started at the yard at 730 usual stuff. Anyway started teaching at 10 and around 1030 i dropped felt awful extremely dizzy faint vision not great bit wierd to tell the truth. finished the lesson then had a break followed by more teaching. Would have gone home but due to being short staffed and I was booked out most of the day so a longer lunch and a quick sleep had to do. Balance has all but left me and dizziness is bit worse but we shall see a little worrying but I'm putting it down to being over tired and very stressed. So going to try to sleep a little now and finished writing this when I hopefully feel a little better and can see the screen properly.

Thursday, 25 June 2009

mixed things..

so the vet came out last friday and we are thinking it is either a pulled or torn ligament or muscle in his shoulder.....yuk!!! so he had a weeks box rest and bute twice a day finishing on wednesday so that when the vet came back out today it would be out of his system. I was away with the scurry ponies so he probably would have had the week off anyway. The vet came back out today and my poor little Murphy is still lame :( The vet said about doing nerve blocks etc but if we are thinking along the lines of muscles I suggested another week of box rest and bute then re look at him next week when he is down the yard which he seemed wuite happy with. If he is no better at all then we will investigate further. he improves as he's trotted up etc so has us all a little confused so if anyone has any ideas feedback would be very much appreciated.

Little dash man went of to a friends whilst I was away as only had his second jab on the thursday so wasn't allowed out for another week. She brought him back to me today as he seemed very glad to see me and came rushing over which is very nice indeed. He has had a fantastic time playing with her spaniel of which she took some pics which will be posted up soon. He went for a long walk tonight and is now flat out on his bed fast asleep bless him.

So the shows were a huge amount of fun with lots of random things happenning. We did ok a few placings and a couple of champioships so not our best shows but still pleasing. I think the most pleasing thing for me is that my favourite little pony that hasn't been out competing this year due to some soundness issues( he is 24!!!!) and has had mainitis in thepast who we thought was going to have to be put down after the summer is sound and driving at home really well and is completly full of it prancing around the school and down the road like he is 2!!! This is a huge boost as without question he is our best pony and part of our most successful pair so fingers crossed it looks like he will be going to Great Yorkshire in a few weeks!

Have an awful lot on my mind still and frustratingly enough my emotions are a bit like a yo-yo up and down. Not teh best feeling in the world but have to get on with it. After being ill last year it is coming up to the time that I will have to go back and be checked out and reassesed so am getting a little nervous and stressed so 3 weeks tomorrow I will know. Scary scary scary!

right off to sleep now stress really isn't worth the effort so I try to hide it behind a protective barrier which in some ways protects me but in others doese me no good what so ever ad tiredness does not help so sleep is much needed.


Thursday, 18 June 2009

no vet and a strange sort of day

No vet!!!!!

The vet was due out today to the yard but due to his illness he did not come! How annoying?? Although we are all ill sometimes just a little annoying from my point of view. There was of course the option of having another vet from the practice but as the yard is going to wait untill tomorrow it would mean me paying the whole call out fee of £55 on top of whatever the vet did so I decided that 24hrs wasn't going to make a whole lot of difference so have decided to wait untill tomorrow when I will have my own vet plus not pay for a call out. Much better option in my opinion as much as it would have been nice to find out today. So he has his leg like iced again and noth front legs bandaged plus his magnetic stable boots on behind what a sight he is!! After the like ice etc last night he seemed slightly less swollen and a little less heat however within an hour it was back to how it was and he is still very lame so doesn't look like we'll be going to little mattingly! Still no serious descision till after the vet tomorrow.

Had a lesson on the ex show cob this morning. He was a little frustrating if I'm honest and didn't really work overly well. No matter what I tried this morning he just wasn't going to come completly over his back. Now there could be many contributing factors to this. He was ridden by someone last night who never really does him any favours, he was a little stiff and I'm still sufferring after my little escapade XC yesterday. Hoping I feel better tomorrow as not really quite sure how I got through a whole day plus teaching late. di have a couple of hours off between 5 and 7 this evening as this is yard policy plus I had to take little dash to the vets for his second jab so now he thinks he's a big boy although is a little quiet tonight bless him! However the little horse did improve and apparently was good in the lessons this afternoon which makes me feel a little better.

This afternoon I schooled my little project another little coloured cob but this one came from a trecking centre a couple of years ago and is owned by a lovely teenager who does her best but my challenge is to take this little ordinary cob and see what I can do with him. So at the moment all I'm trying to do is help him a little with his suppleness as he is very very stiff and therefore likes to run when he finds things difficult. He is a joy to work with and has a super attitude to life he always gives it a go and never really says no just hey I'm finding this difficult. He is coming on quite nicely and today we really succeded with bend on both reins and some very nice long and low work. He really is a horse that benifits from being ridden through the seat but with quite a strong contact as this seems to make him feel more secure. You have to be a little careful how you communicate with him as he can get worried very easily so everything is slowly but surely.

So a bit of a mix match day as then had this private lesson with a young girl who really doesn't want to learn to ride and is only doing so due to pressure from the parents. A s an instructor this is probably the most difficult type of lesson to teach but we did have some fun and she seemed to enjoy it towards the end.

Right so fingers crossed for the vet tomorrow. Whatever it is it's better to know and deal with it then to ignore the situation and just hope it goes away.