Thursday, 29 October 2009

mixed kinda day

Today has been a little on the very mixed side. Had an enforced day off due to illness and appointments.

After feeling ill the last few days I woke up this morning feeling totally rotten so much so that I had to ring a friend to turn out the horses which then meant I didn't have to get up untill 10:30! This would normally have been blissful as would actually have allowed me to chill for a little while but this morning it just meant trying to summon up the energy to actually get out of bed and try to make it down the yard to muck out etc. I did eventually get out of bed and get down to the yard but boy fif it take a lot of effort and found myself having to sit down every 15mins or so to catch my breath! Hmmmm very unlike me and not a good feeling. I still have a high temperature, dizziness, achey and very much lacking in energy which normally I would say is the flu but I had a flu jab about 4 weeks ago so am putting it down to a particulary nasty virus-not nice and am very unimpressed by the illness as like to be a very active person.

The vet came out to see Smurph today and am extremely glad to say that the vet is very pleased with him and he is 100% sound to all test which such a super feeling after wondering if I would ever get to ride him again but a few weeks ago. He has said to increase his walking and aim to gradually bring in some trot work at the end of next week and then gradually increase the trot and then for him to come out and see him in about 4 weeks time. Phew! He also said if I have any problems just to ring him which is very nice that a vet has taken such an interest in his case although as he says it's not a normal case of lameness so has been quite interesting thing for the both of us although I would prefer it not to be on my horse but has been interesting none the less. So go Smurph fingers crossed.

Dash seems pretty much back to normal too which is super news maybe things are going to begin to look up in that area of my life-would be nice after all as just seem to feel like I've had a lot of bad luck with my animals recently.

then this afternoon I had a check-up for something very scary but am very pleased to say that all results came back clear and don't have to go back for 6 months and then after that as long as everything is ok I will just go back every 6 months for a scan and a few tests which to be honest I would rather so if it does happen again it can be caught early and dealt with. It really isn't a nice thing to have to deal with and go through and really would never wish to be that ill again. It makes the way I feel at the moment positively well!! I know I'm being a bit cryptic but the word itself scares me. Silly isn't it how one word can become so scary but there you go one word can completly change your life.

right am going back to bed where I have been most of the day in between appointments and try to feel a little better tomorrow as have a busy busy day.


Wednesday, 28 October 2009

being sick just isnt an option

So I think it has finally caught up with me all these crazy hours. Felt rather ill yesterday with a nasty temperature and dizziness and knowing I had a busy day today i thought I'd try get an early night last night but best laid plans and all that and was nearly 11 by the time i actually got into bed!

So i set off this morning feeling rather ill and not really sure how to get through the day but as usual off I went and finish the day I did. Had a super day really as got asked to jump a friend of a friend's horse as she has unfortunately broken her wrist actually falling off this particular horse. We did fairly well if you ignore the bucking as he does when jumping in particular in combinations!!! He has had everything under the sun checked and it has been put down to being young and rather exhuburent!! Anyway we had a double clear in the first class and just rolled a pole in the second due to some lack of attention by him and me being slightly slow and not keeping his balance a rythmn would like to put that down to being ill but have never been one for excuses so will just say that I didn't ride that great and to be honest felt like I have let the horse and my friend down but I will keep the ride on this cheeky chap untill her wrist is mended and maybe even after-super!

Funny isn't it how when we feel like we have nothing left and everything is a struggle that we find this inner strength that enables us to keep on going and even when the battery is empty somehow we find that reserve tank and on we go. Or maybe its the thought that we are being looked after by that very special guardian angel that helps us get through everyday and just knowing that that presence is there is enough to go on even through the extremely tough times. No matter how hard life gets and that we feel that the rollarcoaster we are on is never going to come back up or even plateau we have to remember this...
' the light at the end of the tunnel doesn't always have to be a train'!


Tuesday, 27 October 2009

busy busy busy....

Phew well what a day have to say I am slightly on the exhuasted side now. I left the house at 6.45 this morning and got in a few minutes ago.

A nice early start down on the yard to do my boys. It certainly is a nice way to start the day with a super greeting by Murphy who always without fail calls when he see's or hears me. lovely feeling it really is. So sorted out Smurph and Tom and then left at 8 having done both boys stables etc and prepared evything for tonight. Then off to HAll Place to help with the SJ all day which provided some very funny and sometimes frustrating entertainment. Then late leaving as i always am from anywhere off to finish off boys then to the pub to do my shift there which unusually for a monday turned out to be a late one.

Been a nice day today nice and busy not too much thinking time available so have had a good day today made better by some super cuddles with Smurph, Tom and Dash. The animals are great they ask no questions and tell nothing to anyone something in this funny old world you can trust 110%. If Smurph and Dash could talk I'd probably be in a lot of trouble and the barrier that we all put up when we need to would come crashing down around so thankfully they can't.

Have a pony day all day tomorrow followed by a nice hack and actually a fairly early finish. Just have to pop and see someone about some teaching after finish the boys off then can go home and relax-nice deep radox bath me thinks.

Time for sleep now if I remember what that is!


Sunday, 25 October 2009

Time to start again......

So it's been an awful long time since i wrote and what a lot has happened but I now feel it's time to start writing again as it does help it really does. There is something very therapeutic about writing it helps to put things into some sort of sense when you really can't just in your head!

So I am now freelance again! I felt that I was not getting out of the job what I wanted to and felt stuck in a rut, a feeling i really dislike to say the least. I thought the holiday in Poland with my special friend would help but what it actually did was to finalise my decision that it was time to go back to the life of a freelance instructor. I am have been very fortunate that Hall Place have taken me back and that so have a lot of my old clients as well as some new clients and I have few new rides. I am so glad to be back freelance in a life that really suits me and makes me feel like it is all worth while.

So there have been tears, laughter, stress you name it with Murphy my very special horse with whom I have been through a lot with. He was declared sound just before I left Rycroft and started to walk in hand. Then when I moved him back to the livery yard where I had him originally he was allowed out in a small paddock as he is really settled there, under sedation. Then as we upped his walking in hand he began to go intermittently lame and then got worse so we booked a scan at Liphook and for David to have another look at him but were not too hopeful thinking I was going to have to make the unthinkable decision. He then had a mad gallop round then field which lasted for ages but by which time i was like well lets just let him be a horse. Miraculously he came in sound which has confused vets and everyone and has (touch wood) been sound ever since. So we cancelled his visit to Liphook and for the last week I have been slowly slowly slowly bringing him back into work under saddle and am not ashamed to say I shed a tear or two that first day as I honestly thought I would never get to sit on him for a while. So far so good. The vet is out on Thursday to check him. he has had many a gallop in the field since and so far is remaining sound so hopefully the leg is mended and the bit of lameness was just a small setback. so carefully carefully he will come back into work and we shall see but he should now make a full recovery and be out next year competing-phew. Keep everything crossed.

Dash is getting bigger and bigger and a little cheeky as he reaches that terrible teenage stage but certainly knows who his mum is and is given the choice would never leave my side even now he is asleep nest to me.

Life is certainly a rollercoaster and I have good days and bad days. It's been difficult recently Mike and I are no longer together for one reason and another. It was a year ago on the 17th Oct since Ben passed away and not a day goes by when he isn't in my thoughts. I still have that feeling that he is still around and looking out for me. it was a very difficult time and i shed a huge amount of tears but I still find a resilience that seems to help me get through the day-although sometimes only just! I find it so so difficult but life has to go on one way or another and as long as i keep busy I seem to struggle through. Keeping myself busy and almost in a real state of tiredness seems to help as at least I can sleep a little at night although not a huge amount.

there really is so much on my mind right now some of which I really don't feel I can write down here although no doubt it would be of some benefit to me.

Life is a funny thing really and not always in a ha ha kind of way. Love helps to get us through but sometimes when you don't feel love it makes for a unhappy place and a struggle to get through each day. there is a huge amount on my mind at the moment and my mind is not a great place to be. As long as I have the good memories things are ok it's when we forget these that our minds go into overdrive and struggle to find the positive side of things. I go back for my check up on Thursday and although I'm not overly worried about it it is still there in the back of my mind the what ifs?........

In a life where support is hard to find and each day you feel like you are working so hard and you are not really sure why. When you get back home and there are arguments and things are said and you're not sure why or how and you have no idea where you stand or quite how you feel what do you do? what you do is go to sleep and hope that when you wake up tomorrow will be a better day and you dare not stop for the fear that if you stop you will never ever start again. Then you look at the little dog sat by you and realise that there is some love and that no matter he will love you unconditionally and is always there and will always have a cuddle and doesn't judge and doesn't argue or say things but is just there so you smile and realise maybe there is something good possibly something worth waking up for. then you realise you have a few friends that'll always be there and will always listen and will do their upmost best to pick you up when you are down and you will always do the same not out of duty but because you care and they care and maybe just maybe there is a little love in this crazy mixed up world you just never know. Don't get me wrong i enjoy what I do and that's not the problem at all in fact work is super and provides a excellent brake from all the shit, all the other stuff that you just wish would disappear and never rear it's ugly head again but for now on we go tomorrow is another day.