Thursday, 10 December 2009

a little scared

it's a very scary world in which we live in one that never really makes any sense at all. for example why is it when something goes wrong I try to push those people I care about away. Is it because I dont want to hurt them or for them to get hurt or is it because I really can sometimes be a not very nice person to be around- I really hope it's the first.

Struggling would be the word for the last few days. I always like to see the glass as half full not half empty but right now I can only see it as half empty or sometimes just empty. Still have lesson on Smurph to look forward to tomorow. Funny isn't it how just a few little words can make your world turn upside down and everything not seem so rosey. How a few little words can make you more scared than you have ever been before and more scared than you ever wanted to feel or wanted to feel again!!! It's going to be a hard time ahead with so many emotions to deal with oh and no I'm not pregnant now that really would be scary. thing is I'm not sure that I can cope with it all again I'd like to say Ill find that inner strength but if I'mhonest I think that's all run out but maybe there's some hiding somewhere deep down some that I can grab and contiue on and try to pretend that everything is ok take a deep breath and face the world continuing as normal. I really want to do this more than anything but ever been so down you just can't seem to find a way to the surface? It's not a great place to be. I am so lucky to have Mike who is there for me no matter and always greets me with a hug and a smile and says ' dont worry it will all be ok'. thing is how does he know it will be how does he know that it's not all going to go wrong but he does make me feel better and maybe I can fight this feeling and keep going one day at a time. Silver lining to every cloud least I will get a few easy weeks!!!!! Still this is his song for me and have to say mine to him. I feel he is trying to be ever so brave for me but kinda just wish he'd sit and cry with me as you know he wants to. We all put on a face at some point some more than others but occasionally you do need to show your true colours but scared doesn't even come close.


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