Happy new year

Happy new year may 2010 bring you everything you want and more.

Off to look at a younster tomorrow, and unbroken 3 year old! Hmm something nice to play with.

Here's to a better one!!!! cheers

x

a very merry xmas and a question

I hope everybody had a super Christmas and enjoyed it all and got everything you could have wished for.

I myself had a super Christmas I spent Xmas day with my family and boxing day with mike as he was unfortunately on duty on Xmas day but it did mean i greedily got 2 Xmas days!!! Had a fantastic day with the family my nan has come down and really finishes off the Xmas spirit as she really is a super person to have around always so down to earth but yet loves to see you living your dreams but is always there to talk to about anything. I have been very lucky this year and have had some super gifts so thank you to everyone clients, friends and family it is so much appreciated and I hope you all liked yours. Little dash was hilarious opening his own presents and is currently munching on a bone my sister bought him that is bigger than he is funny sight. I now have lots of nice new clothes that actually fit me rather than being too big and some super warm mega long thermal socks-cheers Santa!!!! wore a pair today and can honestly say my feet stayed lovely and toastie warm all day. We had a very nice day. I went down the yard and did the horses then back home for some breakfast opening of the stockings then bath and change. We opened a few present then went down to mum's pub for an hour then came back opened a few more presents. We then had a super Xmas dinner cooked superbly by mum and nan. Then with some very full stomachs we finished opening presents. for me Xmas is a family affair with even my other sister joining us and I cannot imagine what it must be like for those that are separated from their loved ones at Xmas i really do feel for you my dear. We then spent the rest of the day just relaxing watching some very easy to watch TV and having a few drinks. All in all a super day with lots of fun and family giggles and love. Mike then picked me up very late on the way back from work in a slightly merry state.

Boxing day I woke to a super coffee in bed that was followed by breakfast in bed with a difference. Mike had bought me the most unbelievable Xmas present and just proves how romantic my super super man is. I had a full breakfast plus a very romantic gesture. Mike gave me my breakfast knelt on one knee opened a little box and popped that question that every woman wants to hear from her loved one. The most super ring wishbone with 3 sapphires and 2 diamonds in it!!! Made me feel so so special I have however not given him an answer yet I love him unbelievably and would move the earth for him and he is the most amazing person who has stuck by me when many people would have run but yet something has stopped me from uttering that word that he would so have loved. However I have not said no and am seriously considering it if I could just put my finger on what it is that is stopping me saying that word and what is giving me these doubts. Wish they would go away. Love him unconditionally. xxxx

xxxx

happy christmas

Here's wishing everyone a very happy christmas may all your dreams and wishes come true.

A massive thank you to everyone for all your continued help and support and sometimes for just being there. Thank you for being there through it all the good and the bad here's to the glass not being half full but filling up completely!

hope you have a fantastic day.

xxx

poor sumrph

I have to say I am loving everyones Christmas spirit this year, how everyone is pulling together and helping each other out through all this bad weather we are having.

Smurph is hopping lame again whether he has slipped or what I do not know but he is most definately lame on the left fore again. Slightly worrying there is no heat, swelling or excessive pulse which may seem like a good thing but he had none of that when he did his palma carpal ligaments before which does make me worry. I was kind of hoping it was ous in the foot but with no heat or pulse it seems very unlikely. I was unable to get hold of my vet today and the vet that was at the yard this afternoon had a quick look without getting him out of the stable said he didn't know but to do what I had originally thought which is to keep him on strict box rest, ice on the knee in case, bandages and bute for a few days and then have another look and assess and hopefully will be able to get in contact with him and luckly he is the vet on call over xmas. Fingers crossed it is something very simple but my gut is not saying so-sometimes gut feelings can be wrong-right?????

There is nothing more worrying than when you see your beloved horse who you adore and have spent so much time with trying to get him sound for so long get him fit and happy walking across to you obviously in so much pain. He is most definately lame and very lame at that even in walk-not great really. he is feeling very sorry for himself not even trying to bite when having rugs put on. the worrying thing for me is that the knee looks a little unstable i.e. the locking mechanism is not working properly but we shall see for now i shall do my best to keep him comfortable and happy.

I on the other hand am still feeling better than I have been if not a little tired but then that will have to be expected for a while.

had great fun tonight trying to wrap Xmas presents whilst being helped by the little puppy-hmm interesting experience indeed!!!!!

x

next year?!

So Christmas is so nearly here and it really is beginning to feel like it with all that snow outside. It really is a beautiful sight but do have to say am so very glad I was working in the pub today as I could admire it from the warm sat near the open fire that also makes it feel very much like the holiday season. It also allowed me to have snow ball fights with some of the customers that are also friends of mine and then go and warm up striaght away. It's something about this weather that brings out the kid in us all and how much fun it is to feel like a kid something we really don't appreciate whilst we are young and carefree. however did have to walk home as was not driving my little car home in this weather. Have to say actually quite enjoyed it there's certainly something very therapeutic walking home in the dark apart from its not quite dark because its snowing on your own with just your thoughts. So will walk back tomorrow to pick up the car and hopefully go and finish my xmas shopping otherwise there will be a severe lacking of presents under our tree!!!!!!



Feeling loads better today still tired but loads better in myself even managed to much out Smurph myself although not Tom felt one was enough for today. Tom is doing well got kicked in the field the other day and had to have staples but is having them out on wednesday fingers crossed but really like the way the wound is healing and he is still sound despite it. Smurph certainly enjoyed being out yesterday and today although only made it for one hour yesterday before turing himself inside out although today was a little better after giving me heart failure with a massive leap and a buck-something those spanish stallions all would be proud of!!!!!!! At least we know he is most definately feeling well and the leg is showing no signs of any issues what so ever so fingers crossed it will stay that way. Friend of mine that has been riding him says he feels super and so much stronger and more flexible so I think I'll take that as a compliment.



Have so much enjoyed watching olympia this week and although I usually go it has been quite nice to watch it in the warm without having to worry about getting back in this terrible weather. What exciting young horses britain have for the future who have all been brought on so well by their riders would be nice to think one day I may well have horses like this-we can all dream can't we?! Sometimes I wonder is going to work for someone fulll time might help a little but the truth is I like the struggle of a freelance instructor and love meeting all the different people well we shall see. Am going to look for some more rides for next year so if anyone has any ideas or even a very long shot or knows of horses that need riding please do not hesitate to contact me it would be so much appreciated mean while I shall continue to work as hard as I possibly can and learn as much as is humanly possible in the hope that one day someone may take a chance on me. After all we all deserve a lucky break don't we? Was once told told ' you make your own luck' and 'if you want something enough you'll make it happen'. These are what I try to live my life by by working as hard as I can everyday and do my best in everything. So lets try to make next year my year the year things really crack on for me-everything crossed.

Off to watch the rest of olympia.

x

struggling but need to be strong

Ever been so tired that you can't even be bothered to get up off the chair??? Reckon its called fatigue-well if it is I don't like it much. Struggling today feeling rubbish well reckon i'll have to get used to it for a while but there is of course hope that I won't!!!!!

Song for this evening very much how I feel and what I reckon I've got to find:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xO3Dco5OdqE

will write more tomorrow

x

ouch!!!!!

so two days after and am extremely sore. I have gone from feeling like I've been hit by a train to like I've been hot by a bus back to being hit by a train! Have to say I'm beginning to get used to being in pain like this although would really rather not. Thank goodness for massive painkillers as if I'm in this amount of pain with them then would rather not think about being without them. Recieved a very kind thought from someone that if there was such a present then she would give me one that would take away the pain and all the scary stuff bless you my dear.

Hopefully this should be the end of it have to say that really would be rather nice. Back tomorrow to have the dressing changed-well in theory althought the snow might put a stop to that then start the drugs monday still should feel bit better by Christmas-phew. hopefully those side effects will not affect me there is always that hope. Going to be a long old road ahead but have to say really hope it is worth it in the end.

emotionally I am drained, physically I am drained but for me getting back to normality is the best way forward helps my brain to cope. Sleep always seems like such a super idea but when it is constantly disturbed if you move its not something you always look forward to but that is what I have spent the last few days mostly doing either at ours or at friends. A huge thank you must go out for all the unlimited suppport from friends without it I could not have coped at all wish there was someway to repay you all. xxx

Still at least now I am on the road to recovery and just have to keep positive thoughts after all the power of the mind is something quite extraordinary indeed good thing that mine does work. Little dash man as hyper as he normally is has been very chilled and ahasnt really left my side except obviously when I'm not at home. Mike really is my pillar of strength so thatnk you my darling you make this long old road very bearable and even allow me to laugh (ouch!!!) at it on occassions and your support and unconditional care will never be forgotten. I have lots to make up for. big hugs and kisses. xxxx

Still from the mental point of view at least we now know what we are dealing with and how to go about sorting it all out. For me the not knowing is worse than the knowing. At least when you know you can deal with it and look at it from a different view point almost like we can now have a plan and when you have a plan anything is possible, anything is managable.

Smurph is being kept up and together and apparently is behaving himself in the most part and not putting me to shame. May be going to have a look at a couple of youngsters monday and tuesday next week crazy I know but a friend of mine who is a very good rider is going to come and ride for me if i want to go that far.

Still this actually does help writing is very therapeautic sometimes finding the words is the most difficult part but once you start it becomes a lot easier. anyway still trying to find it very difficult to write about the emotional stuff which i do need to get out but maybe that for another time.

x

scared

so here we go all set and ready for tomorrow....

Scared yes very, stressed yes very, tired yes very and so on and so on. Can't believe how many emotions the brain and body is capable of all at once. Am so in need of sleep yet still can't the body amazes me how it can run on reserve batteries for so long!

Been trying to put this week into words for a while but have struggled. I've written and then deleted it and then written and deleted so hopefully this one will actually make it.

On the plus side Smurph was excellent today bless him which I so needed. Since our lesson we have been doing a lot more lateral type work. couldnt really say its proper lateral work due to him not being overly strong obviously after such a long lay off but it really is doing wonders for his suppleness which is then improving his work which is enabling him to be more through his body and therefore should lead to him getting stronger. Had some super work today especially his trot which felt very light but with suspension but with him still through and into the contact well as much as he could possibly give me at this moment. so loooking forward to riding him when I can get back on him. A couple of friends are going to ride him for the next week or two but i will be there watching as much as possible not to criticise but just so I know how he is going. One of them is an absolutely superb rider and will improve him no doubt so I'm sure I will have a super horse when I get back on him-also helps that she is a fan of his which I take as a very big compliment.

Anyway actually still cant put into words how I feel other than I am so unbelievably scared and really can't wait for tomorrow to be over at least then I can make some decisions and either live with it or try to make what might possibly be one of the hardest decisions I will possibly ever have to make but if it does what it needs to well then the decision is made for me really.

on goes the rollarcoaster of life....

x

a little scared

it's a very scary world in which we live in one that never really makes any sense at all. for example why is it when something goes wrong I try to push those people I care about away. Is it because I dont want to hurt them or for them to get hurt or is it because I really can sometimes be a not very nice person to be around- I really hope it's the first.

Struggling would be the word for the last few days. I always like to see the glass as half full not half empty but right now I can only see it as half empty or sometimes just empty. Still have lesson on Smurph to look forward to tomorow. Funny isn't it how just a few little words can make your world turn upside down and everything not seem so rosey. How a few little words can make you more scared than you have ever been before and more scared than you ever wanted to feel or wanted to feel again!!! It's going to be a hard time ahead with so many emotions to deal with oh and no I'm not pregnant now that really would be scary. thing is I'm not sure that I can cope with it all again I'd like to say Ill find that inner strength but if I'mhonest I think that's all run out but maybe there's some hiding somewhere deep down some that I can grab and contiue on and try to pretend that everything is ok take a deep breath and face the world continuing as normal. I really want to do this more than anything but ever been so down you just can't seem to find a way to the surface? It's not a great place to be. I am so lucky to have Mike who is there for me no matter and always greets me with a hug and a smile and says ' dont worry it will all be ok'. thing is how does he know it will be how does he know that it's not all going to go wrong but he does make me feel better and maybe I can fight this feeling and keep going one day at a time. Silver lining to every cloud least I will get a few easy weeks!!!!! Still this is his song for me and have to say mine to him. I feel he is trying to be ever so brave for me but kinda just wish he'd sit and cry with me as you know he wants to. We all put on a face at some point some more than others but occasionally you do need to show your true colours but scared doesn't even come close.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wS53zuf_X10

x

definately a bonus

not really sure where to start tonight have to say but am hoping that by starting to write it might all become clear and can hopefully get it down mainly for the very selfish reason that i need to try to work it out in my head.

so smurph was super today we did a little bit of long reining in the rain and have to say am really pleased with the way he is looking and beginning to carry himself naturally and is certainly getting stronger especially in the hind leg which is pleasing as this is where he is naturally weak due to conformation being a little straigh through the hock. He is also getting fitter which is becomming very clear so am going to up his work load slightly and see how he copes. the vet is back out on thursday for what i hope will be to sign him off and just to come back and see him once he is in full work. Looking forward to thurssday as am having my first lesson on him since april will be good to see what adam thinks.

So onto the rest of the day. Had an appointment this morning which has lead unfortunately to some not so great news and a great deal of stress for me. really thought it was all sorted but obviously it was not to be and the annoying thing for me being a control freak is that i cannot control it in anyway what so ever. It is a super stressful time and there is nothing i can do but keep everything crossed and try not to get myself to down about it all after all everday is a bonus!

cant write much more tonight so will try again in the morning

x

everyday is a bonus

Have had the most manic fews weeks I could possibly imagine! So much so that I actually had to turn down work to give myself any sort of time of that I was so much in need of. However busy is good and so may it continue.



Smurph is doing so well and is now cantering and can honestly say that he is enjoying it very much and have now had a few sit tight moments but it is actually fairly nice as it seems as if it is just because he is enjoying being back in work. The physio saw him last friday and was very pleased with him and although he had a few little bits of stiffness which is to be expected he was in pretty good shape so fingers crossed long may it continue.



have to say am not all that impressed with this current bit of weather we are having definately on my christmas wish list this year is an indoor school that follows me around so i never have to get as soaking wet as i have in the last couple of weeks!!!!!!!!! I am however impressed with the amount of clients that are still turning up and wanting lessons- some people are really commited and are even booking lessons at a crazy 7:30am!!!!!



Have come to the conclusion you need to live everyday like it is your last as you never know what might happen and that nothing is a given after all we are all living on borrowed time and everyday is a bonus! few things on my mind but sure its nothing to worry about.
my tunes for the evening.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CucxvWqm7Uk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rkkw8RhH9ck&feature=related

x