I believe.....

With a renewed upbeat look on things I am feeling very positive and now I can really concentrate on things and what exxactly it is I really want to do.



I belive:

• that if you want something enough you will do everything in your power to achieve it or to make it happen


• friends and family make the world go round and make this journey called life interesting and so very worthwhile


• everything happens for a reason even if the reason if not always clear


• the glass is always half full if not over flowing


• love is the most unbelievable thing but yet cannot really be defined


• there are so many things to be learned but yet not enough time to learn them all


• sometimes the best things happen when you least expect them


• you are blessed if you meet a few very special people that love and care for you


• ambitions are things that push you to achieve


• each day should be lived as if it were your last


• things are what you make them so make them the best


• special friends that really do care and those that you can just sit with and not say a word yet feel good about things are few and far between so look after them


• that true friends are those you can make that 4 am phone call to and know they will answer


• you should treat others as you would want to be treated


• life is too short why waste it
• we don't spend enough time just sitting in the grass watching the clouds go by

So heres a thank you to those that make everyday a special whether we speak or not knowing you're there is a blessing indeed and hope I do the same for you.

A few quotes from my favourite bear!:

“If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever”
Winnie the Pooh

“I used to believe in forever, but forever is too good to be true.”
Winnie the Pooh

“Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and not bothering.”
Winnie the Pooh

I believe

this is my song for the night!!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=as-BDIB_9cE


will write more tomorrow. Think this song kind of says it all for tonight. Glad I've stuck with things. Sometimes people think that you should do something different all I can say is I am so glad I chose this path now all I have to do is believe!!!!!! I was once told if you want something enough you will make it happen well I really want to be a great rider if at all possible. Somedays you just feel like flying!!!!!

Smile again

So had a wierd few days! Took Murphy down to Liphook on monday and ended up spending much longer there then I thought I would. We did a few nerve blocks that seemed to be pretty conclusive to there being something behind the knew but did x-rays to confirm and to find out what was the cause of the pain and inflammation. the x-rays showed the one thing that David Loyd didn't want the bit of cartilage on the back of the left knee had turned to bone and appeared to be cutting into the tendons and ligaments which really wasn't good news. Depending upon the severity of the damage to the tendons and ligaments would depend on the outcome and the chance of recovery be it full or part or if at all.

I left Liphook on monday completely distraught with the possibiltity that I may not bring my pony home or at best he would need an operation on thursday to try to remove the bone to give him the best chance possible of a full recovery. I decided to leave him there as mor test etc were neccessary on wednesday to decide exactly what the prognosis was and if the operation was worth doing and whether he would be able to fulfill his potential, jump again, just do dressage or nothing at all. So Tuesday I really was on edge.

However my first great piece of news came on tuesday when I got my final results which said that everything was alright with me and the joy was unbelievable. I didn't know whether to laugh, cry , scream shout what so I settled for putting all my effort into the lesson that I had to teach. Obvioulsy at the forefront of my mind was the thoughts of murphy and what the outcome would be on wednesday. Not sure after monday I had anymore tears to cry any more shouting to do or any more emotions left in me!!!!!! But I was ok so that was one thing. My boss said to me maybe it was my week and things were going to go upwards from here.

I have to say the verts and all the staff at liphook were superb. They took the best care of Murphy possible and were excellent towards me answering any questions I had in depth and always enquiring about him and what I was doing with him and what david had said and honestly seemed very interested in both me and my horse. People really did seem to like him and David thought he was a super horse with and excellent attitude to life. Davis took so much time explaining to me exactly what the x-rays , scans etc were saying and how it all effected murphy.

So wednesday we did one more nerve block which interestingly enough only made him 50% sound so we scanned. This is where our fortunes changed. It showed that the bit of bone on the back of his knee was a red herring and was indeed not effecting the tendons etc in any way. What it did show however is that he has damaged all the tendons and ligaments, carpal ligaments at the back of his knee quite badly!!!! BUT and what a great BUT it is he has a 99% chance of making a full recovery and returning to do everything he could ever do so the ong road to recovery will be worth every second and every little difficulty that I'm sure we will encounter along the way. It will be a long hard 9 months of recovery but it will be worth it and fingers crossed next season will be ours! It does however mean he misses the second round of the national amateurs but it is a very small price to pay for a sound horse that will return to a good and hopefully even better than he was before. Now for the moment we have 6-8weeks box rest followed by 8 weeks of turn out under sedation in a very small paddock for a few hours a day then very very slowly and gently he can start walking in hand and then so on. Malcom my vet will be there all along the way keeping a very close eye on him making sure that we are doing our best in all respects to give the very best chance.

He is having to go onto potassium bromide to keep him calm to help to reduce the risk of further injury in the stable as he isn't the most predictable at the moment plus we have children on the yard and although he is staff only to handle sometimes they go in or they give him something and I just cant risk it. Plus to be honest if it keeps him calmer its a lot better for his chance of recovery and I'm all for that anything is so worth a go. He is also having a course of Adequan injections and is going onto a double dose of arthri-aid which is a joint supplement byt nutri science that I think is fantastic. He also has lots of boredome breakers in his stable balls, non-sugary licks, salt licks etc anything that I can think of that will keep him occupied as he is so so bored as already he has been on nearly 7 weeks box rest. Now thats a lot for any horse let alone one that was so fit and ready to event before this all happened. To think this all happened in the field! It is thought that he was galloping around being an idiot like he is and came to a sudden stop and bent his knee back and basically the ligaments, tendons etc have done their job and become damaged to protect any damage to the knee joint itself.

Over all I'm very happy and pleased after the way this week started. I'm all fine and 100% and the horse is going to be fine so roll on. So nice to finally be able to breathe a sigh of relief and smile a true smile not one of those you put on for a brave face but a true 100% meant smile!!!! So thank you to all my friends that have been there and supported however, Mike and of course the vets and in particular David Loyd so thank you all everso.

Big smiles all round and a few drink to celebrate I think. Oh and on top of that some super riding I've had this week including jumping jack over some proper height! Excellent later week than what it appeared it was going to be at the beginning. Role on next season!!!!!!

x

Wisdom from winnie the pooh!!!!!

So now I have managed to get my scrambled stressed brain into some sort of order and am making some kind of sense I shall try to make some sense on here.

Very busy day at the yard today which helps as keeps me busy and therefore not giving my brain much time to go into overdrive about things. I was meant to be working at the pub tonight but to be honest I'm too tired and my brain just wouldn't cope so have swaped my shift with my friend who was doing tomorrow evening-maybe one more day will help?!

Georg C. Lichtenberg:
One's first step in wisdom is to question everything - and one's last is to come to terms with everything.

How very true indeed.

Rode jack again today (ex event horse) and he was super really is beginning to relax stretching down comfortably and today even mannaged to stretch so much he was on the buckle in canter so was so so pleased. He really is good for me at the moment as when I am on him I think of nothing else but him and how he feels how I can make it nicer for him etc. Looks like i shall be riding him a lot.

I think sometimes we just want that one last conversation, that one last thing to say one last time to say I love you but it's just not possible. However if I could have one last conversation with Ben I think I would say very simply 'I love you and thank you for everything. Every single day, every single moment, everything you ever said to me and every little bit of support and for being with me in the past the present and the future and how I wish things could be different. So thank you and I love you.'

I think he would reply with something like this quote from Winnie the pooh:
'If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together.. there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart.. I’ll always be with you'.-- Winnie the Pooh

I would however just like so say that yes I miss Ben terribly everyday and not a day goes by when I don't think of him and wish that yes it would have been nice in 50yrs to be sat on Brighton Pier with fish and chips but Mike is my rock and is there with me every step of the way. We both knew Ben for many years and is nice that we both understand how we each feel and deal with it together and comfort each other through the difficult times. Have to say I think I am very lucky. I have a super man who loves me and looks after me and some super friends who I could always make that 4am phone call to and know that they would pick up reguardless. So role on Tuesday and hopefully all will be ok as I hate feeling like this and really would like to feel like my normal self.. So by tuesday I will know about Murphy and I will know about me. Still sore today but little less then yesterday so good news.

Right going to eat something before I get severely told off then I think an early night.

x

The way of the world

Well not quite the results I was hoping for but certainly could have been a lot worse. Tests have been done and now I have to hang on in there till Tuesday to find out those results. Due to some abnomalities today with some of the tests(for want of a better word) further tests had to be done which have to say weren't exactly the most pleasent or comfortable and no doubt I will be bit sore for a few days but we shall see so everyone fingers crossed for the results to be 100% perfect on tuesday. Mike has been a superstar and continues to be so. A mega thank you goes to him and some very supportive friends love to you all. People keep saying be positive, dont think too much which is all very good advice but is easier said than done. Think I need one of those magic wands.

Thsi afternoon I did go to work but to be honest might as well have not been there but hopefully my teaching didnt suffer. I'm getting very good at walking through those school doors and leaving everything outside-lots of practice you see!!! I hate this so much and feel like I am burdening people with my problems and I hate the idea of that but am so so grateful for the support I get.

Too much to think about tonight and am sure I'm not making any sense so am off for lots of much needed cuddle and hopefully some sleep if I'm lucky and if my body hasnt forgotten what that is. Struggling on is what I feel I am doing and really hate that feeling and hate the feeling of 'whats the point'. Still hopefully will be good news on monday about murphy and good news about me on tuesday after all at some point things must pick up thats the way of the world..... isn't it!?

x

Well fingers crossed for tomorrow and everything else that is possible to cross. Too many emotions and too much stress to write tonight. Will catch up tomorrow

x

thinking??????

True special friends those that you can talk to or just sometimes not, those that are always there amd those without really doing anything make you feel better are very few and far between. I am very lucky to have someone that can do this for me no matter how I feel I always end up leaving her company so much better than I did before and for this I am so so grateful. Words can't express how I feel and how grateful I am to have her friendship. So today I went to see my such friend and true to form I felt a lot better after being in her company than I sure did before. Had a very busy morning at work followed by an afternoon off which was very much needed but allows me a little too much time to think. So I went to sleep for a bit then had a few things that I needed to do then drove over to see her and have a quick catch up at a yard I used to work at. It's always nice to go back to somewhere you used to work and feel welcome so I had a few nice chats with some friends that I haven't seen for probably around 6 weeks now then we went off to have some food a nice chat some playing with dash then unfortunately had to drop her off so she could make her way back home. It's not untill you leave someone and you are driving home that the true feeling and thoughts return. It'd very easy to put on a brave face and have a laugh whilst you are surrounded by people but it sure does hit you when you are suddenly on your own.

Very busy morning at work and rode Sebastian who has had some novices on him in the last few days and then the physio then day off so didn't feel great today and have to say I wasnt really in the right mood so we did a little but of schooling then went for a bit of a walk as I didn't think it was fair of me to try to improve or school the horse when my heart or mind wasn't really in it.

Still tomorrow is another day so fingers crossed for a better feeling day. It's very hard to pick yourself up and work your way through the difficult times expecially when the one person who was always there for you always by your side and a massive part of your life if not your whole life for such a long time isnt there anymore. Not a day goes by when I dont think of my dearest ben but I know that part of him is always with me and also that part of me died when he did but you really do have to pick yourself up and try to live this thing called life and boy what a rollarcoaster it can be! We must ride the ups and the downs and at some point that it goes more up than down. It is the times that are difficult, you aren't sure, stressed worried etc that you just want that person to walk through the door like he used to and give you a hug and say 'you know what everything will be just fine' just like they used to. I am however with a special person who understands it all and is there for me if I would only just let him in just a little more but I can't not just yet. I have good days and bad days. i was once told it will get easier which I believe but what I want to know is when and how do I make this happen and is it when things are tough that it just seems never ending. Still stressing and worrying isn't going to help neither is the lack of sleep so I think I am going to try to catch a little bit of sleep now and see how things are in the morning. Just one question why do things always happen at once. Worrying about a few things at a time is very tiring and as much as I try worrying is happening still at least after friday I shall know about me and Monday I shall know about Murphy and Ben well he is always with me and always in my heart and you never know at some point it just may get a little easier just everything comes back when I am stressed and worried.
Time to try to get some zzzz's after lots of cuddles from Mike and Dash.

x

........

Have to say with all things considered I am quite glad that we didn't go to yorkshire my heart just isn't in it this week but hopefully it will be by the time New Forest show comes around. There really is just too much on my mind at the moment which meant that it probably wouldnt have been very successful just a lot of stress.

Kept nice and busy today which helped to keep my mind focused which always helps in times when the mind likes to run away with itself. Had a super lesson on Darcy this morning which is the bog standard cob which I've been asked to school and help him. We decided that now his flatwork is improving it was time to have another look at his jumping. It really has changed we've gone from knocking over a small cross pole because we just couldn't be bothered to pick our feet up and to be fair wasn't balanced enough or had a good enough canter but boy has that changed. Today we went down a grid which consisted of a bounce, one stride, one stride, one stride then a bounce to finish at about 2ft6 not high I know but he left it all up and even managed to make some kind of shape. Go Darcy his mum gets back off of holiday next week so will be good to see if she notices any difference. Then this afternoon has to be my favourite ride of the day Guiness a little 15.1hh black gelding whos schooling is coming on in leaps and bounds. We have been really working on getting him to relax as when you ask him to come up a little he get tense and tends to set himself. Today we had a great breakthrough. I tried warming him up in canter in a light seat with him over the back in a long and low frame. The i went on to pick him up in walk, trot and canter and today in most parts he was really through the back and rlaxed and true in his trapezius meaning there wasn't the normal block we get with him so over the moon will be interesting to see how he comes out tomorrow.

Am going to see a really good friend of mine tomorrow who I haven't seen for a few weeks now as things just haven't worked out but will be good to see her as she always is great at listening and just letting me ramble then helps me to put things in perspective which i am always greatful for. Hopefully I do the same for her as well. Anyway looking forward to it a great deal. We really must try and see each other more often.

Looks like I have a very busy morning tomorrow which is usual on my half day. Then after I finish am off to see a friend of mines horse which I have heard good and bad things about it so will be useful if I can give her another view point. I really am enjoying having such a variety of horses to ride but really wish Murphy was one of them.

Some things that happen in our lives really do shape things and change the way we look at things and how we think and do maybe for the better maybe for the worse who knows but aslong as each time something happens you pick yourself up again and look at things and then get going it's usually ok.

x

funny old thing life......

Fuuny old thing life isn't it. Spent the morning walking the XC with a friend who is competing at tweseldown today which would have been Murphy and mine first event of the season! Felt very strange to think that had things of been different I would have been walking it with a very different view point. Have to say it was a very nice course lots of flowing bits where you could have a super gallop up to some nice attacking fences but then there was also the technical bits including a sunken road with an offset skinny fence coming out of it. Some fences were rider frighteners where the rider would really have to think positive and have the horse listening and between leg and hand. so good luck to her this afternoon.

Day off today which allows me some thinking time. Difficult week this week am worried about Murphy and will be good to know what is going on there least then we can get on and treat whatever it is . he is coping very well overall with his box rest. He loves his stable and enjoys all the extra fuss and attention but he would much rather be working as that is what he enjoys most. Also I have a very important appointment on friday which is causing me a great deal of stress and worry so will very glad to get that over and done with and know what is what but fingers crossed for that too.

Well we are not off to Yorkshire which means a week at home which is good from the point of view I can keep Murphy occupied and also I'm not sure I would have enjoyed it even though it is one of my favourite shows.

Not sleeping so great at the moment so I'm going to try to catch some sleep now then am off to work in the pub later.

x

emotions and worry

So my handsome Murphy had his scan on thursday which showed absolutely nothing at all!!! All ligaments, tendons etc all seem to be 100% perfect so now we are off to liphook a week tomorrow so the 20th for investigatory work! Hmm so not great news at all. there is a slight thought that he may have fractured his cannon!!!!!!!!! Not great at all if it lengthways then would be fixable but if its horizontal well then don't even really want to think about it. My poor poor boy so now we play the waiting game again and keep fingers crossed that it isn't the above and maybe we just misse something on the scan but who knows. So yes I am really worried about him. He doesnt look that great losing muscle now and beginning to get very very bored and consiquently is a bit of a bad tempered young man.

Looks like I might not be going to Great Yorkshire show this week but will find out tomorrow. Will get the phone call in the morning to let me know. I love this show and is probably one of my favourites but on the other hand really want to be around with Murphy.

Have the hospital appointment on friday so looks like it is going to be a very stressful week still at least I have my little bit of sanity that comes in the form of a little jack russel named dash and what a sweety he is. Amazing how they pick up on things and become very sensitive to it all. he's currently curled up beside me and hasn't moved. Mike of course is being 100% supportive and is very understanding with my snaping bless him I'm a bit like a yo-yo at the moment so he is putting up with a lot.

Have had a mega busy week so am off to sleep now.

x

its not always great news

Haven't written for a while as have been so busy and to be honest haven't really had time or the energy to get on here and write.

Well Murphy had nerve blocks last thursday as is still very much lame. After lots of them (poor boy) we managed to block to a little splint about and inch above his left fore fetlock so now there are 2 main trails of thought:

1) He has managed to kick himself in the field as he was turned out without any boots!!!!! In which case he has given himself a star fracture which means an operation to remove the splint followed by time off probably around 4-6 weeks!

2) He has aggrevated the suspensory by being an idiot in the field which is now rubbing on the same little splint which of course means that it cannot be repaired so again an operation is needed but with this time more time off as will have to have time off for recovery fom op and of course the suspensory so we will prob give him 4 weeks box rest followed by some months in the field!!

Either way it is not great and means no eventing for us this year inless of course the scan that we are having done tomorrow shows something completly different and not serious which would be super but am not holding up much hope. Poor little murphy but he is coping very well on box rest just as well he seems to like being in his box plus there is an awful lot for him to look at and watch which helps.

My instructor took a few pics of me riding the little coloured ex-show cob today so thought I would share them with you. he has been improving each day and has now really come on.

However he has little problem with coming behind the bit but it is improving. we also have a new horse on the yard who one of the teenagers has bought from a friend and fellow intructor. It is a little sweety of an ex event horse. He's 12 yrs old and irish by the look of him and is proving to be a little superstar and is giving me something that i can really practice my riding on. However he is still event fit so needs to be let down a little bit but really is going to be so good for the staff and the better clients.

right off to bed as tiredness is creeping in. Off to have a lesson and was lessons with Adam mills again tomorrow and am borrowing a horse which I've never sat on before for my lesson. Hmmm could be interesting.

on a parting note little dash is getting bigger.