thinking??????

True special friends those that you can talk to or just sometimes not, those that are always there amd those without really doing anything make you feel better are very few and far between. I am very lucky to have someone that can do this for me no matter how I feel I always end up leaving her company so much better than I did before and for this I am so so grateful. Words can't express how I feel and how grateful I am to have her friendship. So today I went to see my such friend and true to form I felt a lot better after being in her company than I sure did before. Had a very busy morning at work followed by an afternoon off which was very much needed but allows me a little too much time to think. So I went to sleep for a bit then had a few things that I needed to do then drove over to see her and have a quick catch up at a yard I used to work at. It's always nice to go back to somewhere you used to work and feel welcome so I had a few nice chats with some friends that I haven't seen for probably around 6 weeks now then we went off to have some food a nice chat some playing with dash then unfortunately had to drop her off so she could make her way back home. It's not untill you leave someone and you are driving home that the true feeling and thoughts return. It'd very easy to put on a brave face and have a laugh whilst you are surrounded by people but it sure does hit you when you are suddenly on your own.

Very busy morning at work and rode Sebastian who has had some novices on him in the last few days and then the physio then day off so didn't feel great today and have to say I wasnt really in the right mood so we did a little but of schooling then went for a bit of a walk as I didn't think it was fair of me to try to improve or school the horse when my heart or mind wasn't really in it.

Still tomorrow is another day so fingers crossed for a better feeling day. It's very hard to pick yourself up and work your way through the difficult times expecially when the one person who was always there for you always by your side and a massive part of your life if not your whole life for such a long time isnt there anymore. Not a day goes by when I dont think of my dearest ben but I know that part of him is always with me and also that part of me died when he did but you really do have to pick yourself up and try to live this thing called life and boy what a rollarcoaster it can be! We must ride the ups and the downs and at some point that it goes more up than down. It is the times that are difficult, you aren't sure, stressed worried etc that you just want that person to walk through the door like he used to and give you a hug and say 'you know what everything will be just fine' just like they used to. I am however with a special person who understands it all and is there for me if I would only just let him in just a little more but I can't not just yet. I have good days and bad days. i was once told it will get easier which I believe but what I want to know is when and how do I make this happen and is it when things are tough that it just seems never ending. Still stressing and worrying isn't going to help neither is the lack of sleep so I think I am going to try to catch a little bit of sleep now and see how things are in the morning. Just one question why do things always happen at once. Worrying about a few things at a time is very tiring and as much as I try worrying is happening still at least after friday I shall know about me and Monday I shall know about Murphy and Ben well he is always with me and always in my heart and you never know at some point it just may get a little easier just everything comes back when I am stressed and worried.
Time to try to get some zzzz's after lots of cuddles from Mike and Dash.

x