thinking??????

True special friends those that you can talk to or just sometimes not, those that are always there amd those without really doing anything make you feel better are very few and far between. I am very lucky to have someone that can do this for me no matter how I feel I always end up leaving her company so much better than I did before and for this I am so so grateful. Words can't express how I feel and how grateful I am to have her friendship. So today I went to see my such friend and true to form I felt a lot better after being in her company than I sure did before. Had a very busy morning at work followed by an afternoon off which was very much needed but allows me a little too much time to think. So I went to sleep for a bit then had a few things that I needed to do then drove over to see her and have a quick catch up at a yard I used to work at. It's always nice to go back to somewhere you used to work and feel welcome so I had a few nice chats with some friends that I haven't seen for probably around 6 weeks now then we went off to have some food a nice chat some playing with dash then unfortunately had to drop her off so she could make her way back home. It's not untill you leave someone and you are driving home that the true feeling and thoughts return. It'd very easy to put on a brave face and have a laugh whilst you are surrounded by people but it sure does hit you when you are suddenly on your own.

Very busy morning at work and rode Sebastian who has had some novices on him in the last few days and then the physio then day off so didn't feel great today and have to say I wasnt really in the right mood so we did a little but of schooling then went for a bit of a walk as I didn't think it was fair of me to try to improve or school the horse when my heart or mind wasn't really in it.

Still tomorrow is another day so fingers crossed for a better feeling day. It's very hard to pick yourself up and work your way through the difficult times expecially when the one person who was always there for you always by your side and a massive part of your life if not your whole life for such a long time isnt there anymore. Not a day goes by when I dont think of my dearest ben but I know that part of him is always with me and also that part of me died when he did but you really do have to pick yourself up and try to live this thing called life and boy what a rollarcoaster it can be! We must ride the ups and the downs and at some point that it goes more up than down. It is the times that are difficult, you aren't sure, stressed worried etc that you just want that person to walk through the door like he used to and give you a hug and say 'you know what everything will be just fine' just like they used to. I am however with a special person who understands it all and is there for me if I would only just let him in just a little more but I can't not just yet. I have good days and bad days. i was once told it will get easier which I believe but what I want to know is when and how do I make this happen and is it when things are tough that it just seems never ending. Still stressing and worrying isn't going to help neither is the lack of sleep so I think I am going to try to catch a little bit of sleep now and see how things are in the morning. Just one question why do things always happen at once. Worrying about a few things at a time is very tiring and as much as I try worrying is happening still at least after friday I shall know about me and Monday I shall know about Murphy and Ben well he is always with me and always in my heart and you never know at some point it just may get a little easier just everything comes back when I am stressed and worried.
Time to try to get some zzzz's after lots of cuddles from Mike and Dash.

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........

Have to say with all things considered I am quite glad that we didn't go to yorkshire my heart just isn't in it this week but hopefully it will be by the time New Forest show comes around. There really is just too much on my mind at the moment which meant that it probably wouldnt have been very successful just a lot of stress.

Kept nice and busy today which helped to keep my mind focused which always helps in times when the mind likes to run away with itself. Had a super lesson on Darcy this morning which is the bog standard cob which I've been asked to school and help him. We decided that now his flatwork is improving it was time to have another look at his jumping. It really has changed we've gone from knocking over a small cross pole because we just couldn't be bothered to pick our feet up and to be fair wasn't balanced enough or had a good enough canter but boy has that changed. Today we went down a grid which consisted of a bounce, one stride, one stride, one stride then a bounce to finish at about 2ft6 not high I know but he left it all up and even managed to make some kind of shape. Go Darcy his mum gets back off of holiday next week so will be good to see if she notices any difference. Then this afternoon has to be my favourite ride of the day Guiness a little 15.1hh black gelding whos schooling is coming on in leaps and bounds. We have been really working on getting him to relax as when you ask him to come up a little he get tense and tends to set himself. Today we had a great breakthrough. I tried warming him up in canter in a light seat with him over the back in a long and low frame. The i went on to pick him up in walk, trot and canter and today in most parts he was really through the back and rlaxed and true in his trapezius meaning there wasn't the normal block we get with him so over the moon will be interesting to see how he comes out tomorrow.

Am going to see a really good friend of mine tomorrow who I haven't seen for a few weeks now as things just haven't worked out but will be good to see her as she always is great at listening and just letting me ramble then helps me to put things in perspective which i am always greatful for. Hopefully I do the same for her as well. Anyway looking forward to it a great deal. We really must try and see each other more often.

Looks like I have a very busy morning tomorrow which is usual on my half day. Then after I finish am off to see a friend of mines horse which I have heard good and bad things about it so will be useful if I can give her another view point. I really am enjoying having such a variety of horses to ride but really wish Murphy was one of them.

Some things that happen in our lives really do shape things and change the way we look at things and how we think and do maybe for the better maybe for the worse who knows but aslong as each time something happens you pick yourself up again and look at things and then get going it's usually ok.

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funny old thing life......

Fuuny old thing life isn't it. Spent the morning walking the XC with a friend who is competing at tweseldown today which would have been Murphy and mine first event of the season! Felt very strange to think that had things of been different I would have been walking it with a very different view point. Have to say it was a very nice course lots of flowing bits where you could have a super gallop up to some nice attacking fences but then there was also the technical bits including a sunken road with an offset skinny fence coming out of it. Some fences were rider frighteners where the rider would really have to think positive and have the horse listening and between leg and hand. so good luck to her this afternoon.

Day off today which allows me some thinking time. Difficult week this week am worried about Murphy and will be good to know what is going on there least then we can get on and treat whatever it is . he is coping very well overall with his box rest. He loves his stable and enjoys all the extra fuss and attention but he would much rather be working as that is what he enjoys most. Also I have a very important appointment on friday which is causing me a great deal of stress and worry so will very glad to get that over and done with and know what is what but fingers crossed for that too.

Well we are not off to Yorkshire which means a week at home which is good from the point of view I can keep Murphy occupied and also I'm not sure I would have enjoyed it even though it is one of my favourite shows.

Not sleeping so great at the moment so I'm going to try to catch some sleep now then am off to work in the pub later.

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emotions and worry

So my handsome Murphy had his scan on thursday which showed absolutely nothing at all!!! All ligaments, tendons etc all seem to be 100% perfect so now we are off to liphook a week tomorrow so the 20th for investigatory work! Hmm so not great news at all. there is a slight thought that he may have fractured his cannon!!!!!!!!! Not great at all if it lengthways then would be fixable but if its horizontal well then don't even really want to think about it. My poor poor boy so now we play the waiting game again and keep fingers crossed that it isn't the above and maybe we just misse something on the scan but who knows. So yes I am really worried about him. He doesnt look that great losing muscle now and beginning to get very very bored and consiquently is a bit of a bad tempered young man.

Looks like I might not be going to Great Yorkshire show this week but will find out tomorrow. Will get the phone call in the morning to let me know. I love this show and is probably one of my favourites but on the other hand really want to be around with Murphy.

Have the hospital appointment on friday so looks like it is going to be a very stressful week still at least I have my little bit of sanity that comes in the form of a little jack russel named dash and what a sweety he is. Amazing how they pick up on things and become very sensitive to it all. he's currently curled up beside me and hasn't moved. Mike of course is being 100% supportive and is very understanding with my snaping bless him I'm a bit like a yo-yo at the moment so he is putting up with a lot.

Have had a mega busy week so am off to sleep now.

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its not always great news

Haven't written for a while as have been so busy and to be honest haven't really had time or the energy to get on here and write.

Well Murphy had nerve blocks last thursday as is still very much lame. After lots of them (poor boy) we managed to block to a little splint about and inch above his left fore fetlock so now there are 2 main trails of thought:

1) He has managed to kick himself in the field as he was turned out without any boots!!!!! In which case he has given himself a star fracture which means an operation to remove the splint followed by time off probably around 4-6 weeks!

2) He has aggrevated the suspensory by being an idiot in the field which is now rubbing on the same little splint which of course means that it cannot be repaired so again an operation is needed but with this time more time off as will have to have time off for recovery fom op and of course the suspensory so we will prob give him 4 weeks box rest followed by some months in the field!!

Either way it is not great and means no eventing for us this year inless of course the scan that we are having done tomorrow shows something completly different and not serious which would be super but am not holding up much hope. Poor little murphy but he is coping very well on box rest just as well he seems to like being in his box plus there is an awful lot for him to look at and watch which helps.

My instructor took a few pics of me riding the little coloured ex-show cob today so thought I would share them with you. he has been improving each day and has now really come on.

However he has little problem with coming behind the bit but it is improving. we also have a new horse on the yard who one of the teenagers has bought from a friend and fellow intructor. It is a little sweety of an ex event horse. He's 12 yrs old and irish by the look of him and is proving to be a little superstar and is giving me something that i can really practice my riding on. However he is still event fit so needs to be let down a little bit but really is going to be so good for the staff and the better clients.

right off to bed as tiredness is creeping in. Off to have a lesson and was lessons with Adam mills again tomorrow and am borrowing a horse which I've never sat on before for my lesson. Hmmm could be interesting.

on a parting note little dash is getting bigger.

dizzy, time for sleep and hickstead

didn't get back to finish writing yesterday. Tried to make myself feel better by getting some fresh air and taking the puppy out for a while which unfortunately did not work. So feeling very ill I went off to bed. The puppy decided that he was going to wake me around 530 disrupting my sleep which i really could have done without. Anyway off i went to work this morning my friend picked me up as due to my car not wanting to play ball and my dash board isn't working which means no speedometer, no rev counter, no petrol gauge and no temp gauge!!! not good still at least my sisters other half is a mechanic so he's going to have a look at it later or tomorrow.

made it till around 10 today then ended up going back home as really wasnt a good plan for me to be working today. I had to rearrange my lessons for the day for other people to teach them and then mum was going to pick me up but couldnt due to work at the pub so a very kind client took me and dash home where I have been ever since. Have spent most of the afternoon in bed asleep tried to watch the hickstead derby but kept dozing. However what a round and win for William Funnel absolutely foot perfect. there were some rounds today that looked very untidy and haphazard which in my view I would not expect to see at such a level. Now I know that everybody makes mistakes not doubt about it but. however the ending was a very fitting memory to Douglas Bunn who sadly died 12 days ago who set up the Hickstead complex etc and has done a huge amount for british SJ providing us with one of the best venues in the world. Now I know how huge and daunting that ring is after competing there with the scurry ponies in years gone by. It is much bigger than what it appears on the telly and the bank is massive and a dream of riding down it one day got bigger each time we went in that ring. Unfortunately for some people today the atmosphere just seemed to much and the fences a little too big for their horses and for some luck just wasnt with them today. William Whitiker put in a super round and british SJ has a lot to look forward to there and in other young riders which we seem to be producing now. It wasnt a great day at the office for Ben Maher but I am a big fan of his and the way he rides and how he can ride such different horses and get a super tune out of them in a very calm balanced manner with such a massive amount of feel. On a slightly less positive note Micheal Whitiker has been found guilty of one of his horses failing a dope test but it appears that it is due to a mix up by his groom giving a gelding a feedbowl that had previously been used for regumate which is legal when given to mares but not to geldings/stallions so fingers crossed that at his hearing this will be taken into considerationas we really could do with not losing him for a minimum of 2 years.

So after sleeping all afernoon am I feeling better I would love to say yes but I cannot back of to sleep I think hopefully I can sleep whatever this is off and would rather not keep falling over. On a positive note Murphy seemed sound today yes he's on bute but we are decreasing it and he was lame on thursday and friday with the bute so fingers crossed he is on the way back would be really nice to get back on him as riding other people's as nice as they are is just not quite the same when you have a super horse of your own stood in a stable.

Right off to sleep
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dizzy dizzy dizzy!!!

Strange sort of day. I was very tired this morning after an exam day at the yard yesterday meaning a 630am start finishing at 615. Then a shift in the pub from 7-1130 so a very tired me this morning but felt really well. Started at the yard at 730 usual stuff. Anyway started teaching at 10 and around 1030 i dropped felt awful extremely dizzy faint vision not great bit wierd to tell the truth. finished the lesson then had a break followed by more teaching. Would have gone home but due to being short staffed and I was booked out most of the day so a longer lunch and a quick sleep had to do. Balance has all but left me and dizziness is bit worse but we shall see a little worrying but I'm putting it down to being over tired and very stressed. So going to try to sleep a little now and finished writing this when I hopefully feel a little better and can see the screen properly.
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