Time to start again......

So it's been an awful long time since i wrote and what a lot has happened but I now feel it's time to start writing again as it does help it really does. There is something very therapeutic about writing it helps to put things into some sort of sense when you really can't just in your head!





So I am now freelance again! I felt that I was not getting out of the job what I wanted to and felt stuck in a rut, a feeling i really dislike to say the least. I thought the holiday in Poland with my special friend would help but what it actually did was to finalise my decision that it was time to go back to the life of a freelance instructor. I am have been very fortunate that Hall Place have taken me back and that so have a lot of my old clients as well as some new clients and I have few new rides. I am so glad to be back freelance in a life that really suits me and makes me feel like it is all worth while.





So there have been tears, laughter, stress you name it with Murphy my very special horse with whom I have been through a lot with. He was declared sound just before I left Rycroft and started to walk in hand. Then when I moved him back to the livery yard where I had him originally he was allowed out in a small paddock as he is really settled there, under sedation. Then as we upped his walking in hand he began to go intermittently lame and then got worse so we booked a scan at Liphook and for David to have another look at him but were not too hopeful thinking I was going to have to make the unthinkable decision. He then had a mad gallop round then field which lasted for ages but by which time i was like well lets just let him be a horse. Miraculously he came in sound which has confused vets and everyone and has (touch wood) been sound ever since. So we cancelled his visit to Liphook and for the last week I have been slowly slowly slowly bringing him back into work under saddle and am not ashamed to say I shed a tear or two that first day as I honestly thought I would never get to sit on him for a while. So far so good. The vet is out on Thursday to check him. he has had many a gallop in the field since and so far is remaining sound so hopefully the leg is mended and the bit of lameness was just a small setback. so carefully carefully he will come back into work and we shall see but he should now make a full recovery and be out next year competing-phew. Keep everything crossed.

Dash is getting bigger and bigger and a little cheeky as he reaches that terrible teenage stage but certainly knows who his mum is and is given the choice would never leave my side even now he is asleep nest to me.

Life is certainly a rollercoaster and I have good days and bad days. It's been difficult recently Mike and I are no longer together for one reason and another. It was a year ago on the 17th Oct since Ben passed away and not a day goes by when he isn't in my thoughts. I still have that feeling that he is still around and looking out for me. it was a very difficult time and i shed a huge amount of tears but I still find a resilience that seems to help me get through the day-although sometimes only just! I find it so so difficult but life has to go on one way or another and as long as i keep busy I seem to struggle through. Keeping myself busy and almost in a real state of tiredness seems to help as at least I can sleep a little at night although not a huge amount.

there really is so much on my mind right now some of which I really don't feel I can write down here although no doubt it would be of some benefit to me.

Life is a funny thing really and not always in a ha ha kind of way. Love helps to get us through but sometimes when you don't feel love it makes for a unhappy place and a struggle to get through each day. there is a huge amount on my mind at the moment and my mind is not a great place to be. As long as I have the good memories things are ok it's when we forget these that our minds go into overdrive and struggle to find the positive side of things. I go back for my check up on Thursday and although I'm not overly worried about it it is still there in the back of my mind the what ifs?........

In a life where support is hard to find and each day you feel like you are working so hard and you are not really sure why. When you get back home and there are arguments and things are said and you're not sure why or how and you have no idea where you stand or quite how you feel what do you do? what you do is go to sleep and hope that when you wake up tomorrow will be a better day and you dare not stop for the fear that if you stop you will never ever start again. Then you look at the little dog sat by you and realise that there is some love and that no matter he will love you unconditionally and is always there and will always have a cuddle and doesn't judge and doesn't argue or say things but is just there so you smile and realise maybe there is something good possibly something worth waking up for. then you realise you have a few friends that'll always be there and will always listen and will do their upmost best to pick you up when you are down and you will always do the same not out of duty but because you care and they care and maybe just maybe there is a little love in this crazy mixed up world you just never know. Don't get me wrong i enjoy what I do and that's not the problem at all in fact work is super and provides a excellent brake from all the shit, all the other stuff that you just wish would disappear and never rear it's ugly head again but for now on we go tomorrow is another day.

xxxxxx